


At the end of the day

by notthatimportant1997



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bottom Harry, Drinking, First Time, Hand Jobs, M/M, Top Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:25:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 40,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5370176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notthatimportant1997/pseuds/notthatimportant1997
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hary and Louis are classmates. They are both friends of Zayn, Niall and Liam. Harry writes everything is his diary and that is how we know what happens. Harry is gay but Louis has a grilfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone. This is the first time that I'm doing something like this. I don't speak English so I hope that you can understand everything. I don't know if someone is going to read this but if you are here doig it, i am very very thankful and I love you.  
> I don't want to offend anyone with this work and this has nothing do with the real louis or the real harry.  
> I don't know how long this is going to be. Ask me if you have any question and please let me know if you've read it. My tumblr user is notthatimportant2997 and my name is Micaela.

Day one  
Dear diary:  
Do you believe in love in a first sight? Well, you are not a real person, so I don’t know why I’m asking you something. The reason must be that I don’t have friends in here, because this is not home, and my sister and my parents are far from me. Or that you, right now, are all what I have.   
I am all alone because I wanted to study Literature more than anything, and for that, I had to move to London. I am here since last week and today was my first day in college.   
Okay, so… I started this talking about me, but I really want to talk about someone else. Someone that I met a few hours ago. When something moves your life the way that he moved mine, you have to write about it. You have to remember each part of it, because the beginning of a new life, a new version of yourself starts with that feeling.  
His name is Louis. My name is Harry.  
That’s the first trouble.  
I live in a world where I should love women, have sex with them, marry them, have kids and stuff but... those things… those are things that I can’t deal with. I tried, I had girlfriends, I had everything that I was supposed to, but I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t complete. When I figured out that what I needed, what I liked… that even what I was, were something different, it was the biggest relief of my life. I wasn’t broken or wrong, I just didn’t know who I was.  
I am gay and that’s fine. My family and all the people that in some point of my life loved me or cared about me thinks that’s fine, but not everyone out there thinks like that. It’s really sad because I don’t like their looks, their judgments. They hate me. They reject me. They want to change me, but I am not theirs, I am mine. Everybody should understand that love is love, no matters what.  
Bringing Louis back… His hair is brown. His eyes are blue. And his smile is the actual sun. He is confident and clever, but also funny and arrogant. I saw him as soon as the class started, but it wasn’t a mutual meeting. It took him two hours to notice my existence and it took me two seconds to crush with him. The sound of his voice, the way he moves his hands over his tights, his laugh and even his handwriting. Every part of him that I can remember is perfect in my memories.   
He saw me when the last class had three minutes left, because I was brave enough to answer a question about Shakespeare. We made eye contact for seconds, but I couldn’t stand it and I looked the floor. He answered ten times. He is a king; everyone loved him, looked at him, and laughed because of his jokes. He is that kind of boy who just rules the world and I am just a tiny part of it.   
I didn’t know that I was looking for someone in this cold and lonely city, until I find Louis.  
If I have to think about something else about my day, I can say that all my classes were excellent. I loved all my professors and my subjects. This college t’s a nice a place to be, if I don’t stop myself to think about how much I miss home.  
In this very moment, I am alone in my room because my roommates went out to celebrate their first day. I am not a party person, an alcohol and weed person or a sociable one, but they seem to be nice boys, so I think that at some point I will be able to bond with both of them.   
I want some food so I am leaving my room for the moment. Thanks for being my friend. I’ll write again later.  
Harry. 

Day two  
Dear diary:  
Louis and I talked to each other. I don’t understand how happened but it was real. I promise. I woke up early this morning and I thought that nobody it was going to be in the kitchen but he was. I was opening the fridge looking for milk when he talked to me.  
-Do you always have breakfast by yourself?  
I turned myself back and looked and him with a little smile. I took a cup and some tea and seated in front of him before answer.  
-I use to have it with my sister, but she is not here so I think… myself is okay for now.  
-Your sister? How lucky you are. I have four of those and one little brother. This is the first time in all my life that I am alone in a kitchen. Well… Now I am with you.  
-Don’t you like to have all those brothers and sisters? I love big families.  
-I love it, mate. I can’t image my life as an only child. – He smiled as the sun and then added:  
\- Tea with milk? Really? - He asked raising one his eyebrows.  
-Tea with milk, in deed. I hope you don’t leave the table because of that.  
We looked each other for a moment, no words, no sounds, just us. I think that I could do that forever. Just look at him and learn new things about his face, his expressions, and his gestures. I just can admire him for the eternity, honestly. I sound like an idiot, I am aware of that, but I am always like this.  
A group of girls appeared and interrupt us. He forgot about my existence and started to talk with them. I could feel how my world fall but I decided to value those moments of conversation and ward off the desire of crying. I finished my breakfast hoping that he speaks to me again, but that didn’t happen so I left the kitchen and went to my room.  
Here were Liam and Niall sleeping. They are my roommates, by the way. Both of them arrived very late last night and they woke me up with all the noise, but I don’t care, I am not irritable. When I came back for breakfast I spoke a bit with them about worldly things. It was a good chat.

I also talked to my mum on the phone and it was really good. I miss her a lot. I can’t wait to go home for visits soon.  
Well… I don’t have anything to add for the moment, so this is kind of a temporary goodbye.  
Harry.

 

Later that day

Dear Diary:  
Liam asked Niall and I, the room for all the night because he wanted to be with some girl named Sophia. We both agreed but I wasn’t excited with the idea at all. First, I am not happy with two strangers having sex in my room, which it’s not even my room yet because it’s fucking day two and I don’t feel the college like home. And secondly I didn’t have a place to go because I am not good making friends like I’ve said before, and Liam and Niall are the only people I had conversations with, so… I was alone and roomless.  
I hanged around the building for a bit, until I found a balcony. It was the only empty place and I felt like I needed some space for myself. I stood there for almost half an hour until suddenly someone joined me. It was Louis again, with a cigarette between his fingers and a sad expression all over his face. We didn’t talk at first; we just looked the night in silence and touched the awkwardness in the air. I evaluated to leave and left him by himself, but then he opened his mouth.  
-You don’t have a cup of tea and milk this time.

All the time that I was with him in that balcony, before he said that words about the tea and the milk, I could only think about asking him what was wrong. I always have the need of know what the people around me are thinking, how they feel, what they need. I want all to be happy and pleased with their lives. If it depended on me, I’d give all that I have, to make someone feel better. But I was not going to ask anything because it wasn’t my business. We are still strangers.

-I don’t have anything, actually- I answered.

He started to smoke his cigarette and didn’t speak for a lot of minutes. I did not know what to do. 

-You can ask me what it’s wrong if you want. I know I look miserable.

-I don’t look good either. I miss home. I am alone for the first time. You don’t have to be happy or giving explanations, it’s okay.

-Do you want some beer? I have a lot in my room… Before you answer me, I don’t know your name. I am Louis.

-I want the beer, thanks and I am Harry.

I didn’t want it, but I wasn’t going to say no. I wanted to meet his room. I wanted to be with him. I can’t understand why he was alone. He is popular. A lot of boys and girls want to be around him. I am just one of a lot of them. I was lucky enough to be in that balcony at that exact time. 

We went to his room. It was a mess. A truly mess. I haven’t seen something so nasty and messy on a long time. Their roommates weren’t there. He told me that one of them is called Zayn and that they have been being friends since kindergarten. So the loneliness was not a reason for his sadness.  
We seated on the floor with shirts, books, bottles, cds and jeans around us. He smoked like five cigarettes in a short period of time and he drunk a lot of beer. Louis didn’t realize that I didn’t drink, smoke or talk. He just needed to be heard and I played well my role.

He talked about a lot of things. He told me about his girlfriend who apparently cheats on him. About how his mum is with a bad man that doesn’t deserve her and how that have influenced in his sisters who also have bad boyfriends. Louis told me about how he feels that a person can be with a lot of people all the time but still feel lonely inside. I thought that a lot too.  
He didn’t cry. He just drank, and smoked, and talked. He was wasted.   
When he finished he tried to stand up but he couldn’t. I tried to help him but we both fell and we were very close in the floor. I stared at his lips and he noticed and pushed me away. He didn’t do it aggressively, and while he was doing that, he told me that he could be alone, that he didn’t need me. I considered left him by himself but I had the feeling that he needed company; he wouldn’t have told me all those important things, if he hadn’t wanted my support. So I waited a few seconds and then helped him in the way to the bathroom. He threw up a lot and I put water in his head and hold his body. When he finished I left him inside his bed and looked at him until he fell asleep.

Before that, I soured that he whispered: Thank you Harry, you were the sun in a rainy day. 

I believe that I am not going to be able to sleep ever again because all I can do is repeat his room, his bed, his words, his sleepy face, my hands in his body, the water in his hair… all over and over again in my head.  
I just hope that tomorrow he can feel better. I really hope that because he truly deserves it.   
Harry.

 

Day three  
Dear Diary:  
I haven’t seen Louis anywhere in the college today. He missed all our classes. I hope he is okay. I’ve been thinking and he must feel that what happened yesterday was something embarrassing. He probably won’t talk to me again because I know things that I shouldn’t.   
I hate that I didn’t answer him properly. I could have said something about his story. I mean, I don’t have that kind of troubles with my parents or my sister, but we don’t need to live the same experiences to be able to feel like another person.   
I am not worry about his girlfriend but I’d like to know why she cheats on him. I don’t know anything in fact. I don’t know how long have they being girlfriend and boyfriend. I don’t know where they met, what they like about the other. I don’t even know her name.  
My only proper girlfriend was Emma. I dated her for a year and a half, now we are good friends. She is a nice and talented girl. Her talent is the music, she is truly amazing and I used to enjoy hearing her songs, seeing her little private concerts. I thought that I was in love with her because I liked what we do and she made me feel happy, but… it was not love. Meanwhile I was being his boyfriend, I fell for my best friend and it took me time to admit it to myself, but sometimes the things just are what they are.  
I can’t continue writing, because I have books to read.  
Harry.

 

Day ten

Dear diary:   
It’s been a week and a day and I still don’t know anything about Louis. He came back to the classes but we haven’t looked at each other. We are probably never going to talk again. I believe that I can live with that. I am not sure but I am looking for it. I don’t want to have feelings for someone who doesn’t remember who I am. So I will try to move on, even when I can’t stop thinking that we could have been something special.   
I don’t know why but I feel an attraction for him that it’s incomparable. When we fell in the floor and were so close…. I felt how we could complete the other. His arms and mines just fixed and I am not going to forget that so easily.  
I’ll try to not write his name again, at least for a few days. I think that is the healthiest thing that I can do considering that these eights day without anything between us, were very painful and I don’t want to increase that feeling.  
I’ll be back.  
Harry.

 

Day fifteen  
Dear diary:  
Liam, Niall and I went out last night. It was fun, we had a really good time. I learnt a lot of things about their lives and we got a lot of tastes in common. We enjoy the same music, the same movies and we three like golf. Liam and Sophia, -the girl who slept in our room the day two- are going to be an official couple any time soon. She is sweet and clever; Niall and I enjoy talking to her. I also talked to them about my sexuality and they reacted well. They don’t care and that’s a relief.   
Zayn, Louis and Liam are becoming good friends and that’s a little awkward. I have seen Louis in the kitchen a few times in these days but he left the room every time. Tomorrow is Zayn’s birthday and I am invited but I don’t know if am going. I don’t want to annoy Louis or stalk him and I am pretty sure that his girlfriend is going to attend. 

Well… I started this talking about last night, not only because I went out and that’s a weird thing (and I liked it and that is even weirder), the real reason is that I met a boy yesterday. His name is Ian. We talked a lot and we laughed. I didn’t notice that he was trying to have something with me until Niall made me notices it. We shared some drinks and in certain moment he asked me to follow him outside the bar. I went with him and we seat on the street. The weather was very nice and comfortable so I thought that it was a nice thing to be there. I didn’t think about the fact that we were alone and that he could take that like a thing.  
We kissed. Actually he kissed me. I just let him at first, but then I kissed him back. I found no reason for not doing it. Ian is handsome and interesting. He told good stories without trying to be special or the most important person in the place. He just wanted to talk, he didn’t have interests in being accepted or admired. I liked that about him and I also adored his hands and eyes.  
After the kiss he asked me my number, but I answer him that if we were meant to be we were going to see each other again without messages or calls. I didn’t really mean the meant to be thing, it was an expression and he understands it. I liked that too.   
I wasn’t being Romeo it was just a line.

I haven’t decided if I want to see him again yet. It wouldn’t bother me but I don’t know. It was fine but… it wasn’t magical. I felt more the two little times that I spoke with Louis that with a whole scene and a kiss with Ian but It’s an unfair comparison. I want to know how the things are going to be.

That’s all what I want to say for now. Thanks for being a nice space in my life.  
Harry.

 

Day sixteen  
Dear diary:

It’s 03:00 am and I just arrived. I went to Zayn’s birthday. I liked him even we haven’t talked much. I am a little drunk but nothing important. I don’t know how, now I am a drinks person. Liam or Niall didn’t make me do it. It’s my choice. I don’t feel bad about it right now, but I think that when I came back home for holidays I probably going to regret for this choices in my life.  
Louis and Ian were at the birthday. BOTH OF THEM. Ian apparently is Zayn’s brother roommate in a college near to ours. It was a possibility because of the location of the bar where we met yesterday, but you never know until you do.  
Ian and I danced a lot, I haven’t done it for a while and it was a good feeling. I am having nice days with good people and I am pleased with that. But as I was saying… We danced almost all night and we made out a lot. He has lived in my town for four years, so we talked about a lot of places and people for like an hour. He made me feel near to home.  
I tried to not pay attention to Louis, but it was a hard objective. He was so happy and excited. Zayn and he were the center of the attention with all their jokes, stories, gossip, games. They acted like brothers when they are together. I really like to watch people interacting with their friends because that tells a lot about a person.  
The point that I am trying to escape, with all these words is… that when Ian (he finally got my number btw) left the birthday, Louis and I had a conversation. We went to the bathroom together and he asked me if “that boy with who I was dancing” it was my partner. I answered him that we have only known the other for like twenty four hours. Can you believe which his answer was? He fucking told me that we have only known each other for sixteen days. I mean… what do THAT supposed to mean? That is flirting. Even if he is a straight idiot. That. IS. Flirting.

-We should be married if sixteen day has already passed.- it was my answer.  
-We should, mate. We should.  
-Zayn and you seem happy. I am glad that he is having a good time.  
-Yes, we are buzzing. He is my best mate, I really care about him… -his face changed and he started to look nervous. After seconds he looked me in the eyes and added without truly needed it:  
-He… He is really thankful for what you’ve done for me. He uses to take care of me in those moments, but he wasn’t around that night, so… he is glad that you were there.  
-I’ve done nothing for you that I wouldn’t have done for anyone. You were having a bad time. It was not a big deal.

The images about that night started to showed up in my stupid mind and I started to feel nervous. I liked being sharing the bathroom with him, having his eyes looking at mines, watching his hands moving, hearing his beautiful voice, but… at the same time, I was wanting to run away. I don’t really know why.

-Not anyone do that type of things. You are a kind person.  
-My mum would be proud if she could hear you.  
-I am sure she already is.

I smiled and looked at the floor because the way that he said the word mum, it was the sweetest thing that I have ever heard.

We left the bathroom and we walked slowly back to where everyone were. We seat next to each other and have a long conversation. My stomach hurt and I could hear my palpitations in every part of my body. I am really into him, I can’t help myself.  
I think that the most important thing that we talked about, is that our favorite movie is about to have his second part in the big screen. We really wanted to go to the cinema and watch it but nobody wanted to go with us…. So we basically talked about the possibility of going together but Niall listened to us and said that it was his favorite movie too and that he would be more than excited to watch it with us. The date of the release is next Tuesday so I have to wait only five days. I really hope that after this birthday together, we can be able to talk daily.   
I am not forgetting Ian or deciding to never see him again because Louis still has a girlfriend, still doesn’t feel attracted for me and we still have no future….  
Anyway, he walked with me until my bedroom’s door because we were having a discussion about food that we couldn’t leave. But I really wanted to be in my bed, so we had to talked and walked. I don’t like a lot of kinds of food and that drove him crazy because he thinks that I am missing a lot of important sensations and experiences not letting myself feel that different flavors. We ended the conversation because it was going to have no end, but he proposed himself to convince me to try some and make me enjoy it.

I really need to sleep right now, but I am going to write again when I wake up because I am going to have a lot of bed thoughts.  
Harry. 

 

Day seventeen  
Dear diary:  
I couldn’t write you in the morning. I am sorry about that.   
Well… Ian texted me early today and he invited me to a photography exposition. I love the photography but I never said him that, so it was a nice surprise. I accepted the date and we were this afternoon. He takes photos as a hobby, so do I, and he showed me his work. It’s a nice one because he loved the black and white aesthetic and that it’s like my personal favorite thing.   
We had dinner after the exposition and we had a good time together again. I’ve seen him three times but I feel like we have known each other for a longer period of time. That might be because we have seen each other a lot since we met. We didn’t kiss each other a lot during the afternoon because we were surrounded by a lot of people and it was awkward.   
He drove me to the college in his fancy car. We listened to the radio and made up in the car. I was comfortable with the idea of kissing him a lot and not talking because we haven’t done it in all the date. I usually prefer to talk rather than kiss when I am having something with someone, but he made me feel relaxed.   
After a while he touched my tights, and how I left him doing that, he put his hands behind my shirt and touched my back with slow and soft movements. It took me some time, but I decided to take off both of ours shirts and seat over him. I only touched his hair, his neck and his shoulders while we were kissing.  
After I don’t know how much time, we stopped. We didn’t discuss why we were stopping, we just did it. I was not going to have sex with him, not today, not in his car, not like that. And I am pleased that I hadn’t the need to say it out loud. He just gets it or he didn’t want it either.

I haven’t thought about Louis until this moment, but I believe that Ian deserves a chance because he seems good and respectful. Relax and funny. Interesting and smart. Maybe we, as mortals, can’t have a fairytale a lot of times in our lives, but we can take what the life offers us and make it a good thing.

Niall and Liam just arrived so I will stop writing and I’ll tell them about my day.  
See you later, paper.  
Harry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, thank you everyone. Thank you those who like my tumblr publication with the link, to the people who left kudos and who all who've read this and are here again. I hope that you like this chapter :)

Day twenty one  
Dear diary:   
Louis and I talked a lot between our classes last week. He introduced me a few of his friends and I went to his room in every break that we had. We played scrabble although he hated it because I always win. And we also watched funny videos in the computer. We liked the reality shows about singers and we enjoyed watching them and talking a lot about it. We are always sending the other messages talking about the participants, their voices, their songs choices. We’d enjoy being a judge in some program like the x factor, but that is not going to happened. No in this life, at least.  
His girlfriend is going to come in the weekend so I am going to meet her. I saw pictures of her and she is really pretty. She is all thin and tall. She has a long brown hair and a sweet smile. She looks like a nice person but I don’t believe that she is one of those.  
Louis and she argued a lot over the phone every day. She didn’t like the fact that he is in this college so far from her. I hope that they can clear the things tomorrow when she arrives.

Today our favorite movie appears in all the cinemas. We are having the opportunity to watch it in two hours so I’m very excited. Niall is coming with us. They are starting to talk a lot, I don’t know how happened but Liam, Zayn and the other three of us, act like friends. The four of them reminded me my high school friends. I talked about them with my sister and with my ex Emma and they wanted to meet the boys. I suppose that maybe in my birthday that can happen.

Changing the subject… I haven’t seen Ian again because our lives are busy with all the work we have for the school and all the hours that we are in class. But we talked every night over the phone and we are going to have a date tomorrow. I feel fine when I speak to him and I don’t want to lose that feeling.  
I am going to have a shower so I can be ready for the movie with the boys. I’ll write later.  
Harry

Later that day  
Dear diary:  
The movie was amazing. It was all I was expecting and much more. But… I don’t want to write more about it right now, because I can’t think about a film when my life is a mess… I can’t think about nothing in fact.

Louis invited me to drink wine in his room after the cinema. Niall, Zayn and Liam are still in my room watching football and I am writing this in one of the balconies from the building. I accepted the invitation after asking him the reason about the swap between the beer and the wine. He answered me that he was looking to be a little more sophisticated and we laughed because he is a lot of things but not that one.  
I hate how much power he has over me. He didn’t even try to make me feel like this. He breathes and I am in pain. I wanted him badly. I can’t deny the truth anymore. I don’t have the ability or the power to like someone else because he is all what I want.

Anyway, we were in his room. We drank the bottle of wine and listened to music. We started to scream the songs dancing in his bed and we couldn’t stop laughing. I have never felt freer in my entire life. It was like being in and empty world with no bad things or mean people, just flowers, teddy bears, kids, my favorite music and he. 

After a while we stopped the show and we just seat in front of the other on the floor   
and hold our hands. We hadn’t a reason to do that but we just feel the need to do it. We stared at each other and I could see how he was looking at me like he has never done it before. We didn’t talk or either move or left our hands, until he spoke.  
He said a lot of things. I might don’t know his exactly words, but I do know that he said that he has never felt something like what he was feeling about me in that moment. And that he was very confused and didn’t want to accept what was happening.   
He talked about how he loves his girlfriend. And then, after a lot of sentences full of confusion, pain, anxiety and fear he asked me how I could feel right about myself. How I didn’t want to fix me or change me.

I felt attacked at first and I let go his hands. But then I remembered all the things and all the time that I have passed before accepting who I am. And I saw in him, a younger version of me who all what it wanted was to be accepted and fixed.   
I told him that I didn’t want to change myself because I believed that love it was the strongest feeling in the universe and that nobody should want to escape from it. I told him that it was nothing to be repaired and that no one had to know about how he felt until he wanted it that to happen. I didn’t told him that I like him, not only because is obvious… because he discovered a really deep and big part of himself and that’s more important than me or anything else.

We didn’t talk for a long time, because I wanted that he could relax a bit and had a time to think before saying me anything. He cried a little and he hide his face with his hands and knees. Louis was the most vulnerable thing that I have ever seen in that moment and all what I wanted it was to kiss him and tell him that everything was going to be alright.  
He suddenly stood up and opened another bottle of wine. He drank two cups and stare at me while he was doing it. I waited, until he said that the two things that annoyed him the most were all the thoughts that I had made him had in only twenty one days. And the fact that I was dating “that idiot with his fancy car and his black and white shit”. I laughed because of his comment and replied that he wasn’t and idiot and that I loved the black and white shit too.  
He apologized because of the tears, the words and the questions. He apologized again for the night that we met in the balcony and then end it up in his room. And after let me say something more, he took my face with one of his hands and kissed me. He kissed me for just a few seconds but he broke every part of me.  
I could feel how my bones, my skin, my heart, all of me… just broke inside me. It’s a dark and painful image but it wasn’t pain what I feel, it was adrenaline, anxiety, joy, pleasure and a few more adjectives that haven’t been invented yet. He took every particle of me and made it his.  
Louis smiled like an angel after the kiss. His cheeks were rose and his eyes were full of light and peace. Our kiss taste like wine, but also like the best memory of your childhood that you can remember. Or like your favorite word said but your favorite person in the world. Maybe just like your favorite quote from your favorite book. Or like all those things, but reunited in his lips against mines.  
He didn’t have the need of asking me to leave the room because I knew that he needed space and time.  
It doesn’t matter if he ever can accept what he really likes or if he ever looks at me again. I can live in that kiss for the eternity.

Harry.

 

Day twenty two  
Dear diary:  
When I woke up this morning I felt really good. Niall and Liam were still sleeping but I made them get out of the bed and had breakfast with me. It’s Saturday so nobody was awake so early and a lot of people in the college were waiting for visitors. I knew that Louis’ girlfriend was going to be one of those visitors but I tried not to think a lot about it.  
I’ve decided not to tell Liam and Niall about last night because Louis is not gay and he shouldn’t want people talking about our kiss, but Niall started talking about it without me saying anything. Zayn has already told them in the moment that I left his room and Louis texted him.  
I thought that it was a good thing, but then I remembered that he was drunk and that the fact that he had told Zayn about the kiss meant nothing. You can talk about something that happened but that talk doesn’t matter until you say that is an important one. I mean, the kiss means nothing if he said that I gave it to him or that it was something meanless.  
Niall said that he was happy, and that Liam and he had talked a lot of times about some unusual chemistry between Lou and I, and that they weren’t surprise with what had happened because of that.  
But after the nice talk, they told me that probably nothing would ever happen again and that Louis won’t break up with his girlfriend.  
They told me a story about two boys who liked each other very much but one of them didn’t want to leave the closet so they dated in secret for a while until the other left the closeted one because he wanted to be free. They said that Louis is a good boy but that he had a lot of popularity and that he was not going to lose it because of me. And that I didn’t have to accept a secret relationship because I deserved something better.  
I didn’t answer them because I never answer in situations like that, but I thought about it all day. I have already thought about it because it’s the normal theory about him and me.  
At first I thought that he would never feel even attracted for me, but when I started to considered he liking me as a possibility, I fully considered the option of we having a secret relationship because we are something prohibited.  
The first night that he was drunk and he talked about his family was the first time that I thought like that. All the troubles that her mum and sisters has with their bad boyfriends… they don’t need a gay son, step-son or brother to deal with. I understand that.

Although all those things, I was happy all the morning and looking forward to see him again. But when we met he was holding his girlfriend’s hand. He barely looked at me and he definitely not said a word. The both of them, Zayn, Liam, Sophia, Niall and I had lunch together. She is pretty, skinny and tall. Just like in the pictures. She has a nice smile and a really good hair. She looks like all the girls in the magazines or the TV.  
They kissed a lot in front of me. They are that kind of couple that couldn’t leave each other for more than a few seconds. I survived the scene better that I’ve thought I could handle it, but all the happiness left my body and soul.   
Seeing them like that, make me feel like our kiss, have happened years ago in another land in another timeline in someplace really far from home.  
He looked happy and I don’t know what to think about it. I believed his happiness when I saw it in his eyes and they didn’t argue, not even for a second. Maybe they are that kind of couples who look happy only in front of the other people and argue when they are alone.   
I had a date with Ian but I cancelled it because I don’t want to see him again, at least for a while. I hope he finds a person who can love him the way he deserves.  
I’ll write later.  
Harry.

 

A few hours later  
Dear diary:  
All my friends, Louis and his girlfriend went to the center of the town for shopping but I didn’t want to go. The lunch was enough for me and I didn’t want to watch the happy couple together anymore.  
I read in one of the balconies for a while until someone touched my shoulder. It was Ian. Even I didn’t understand why he was there with me, I smiled to him and closed my book. He told me that he had planned the whole weekend for us and that he had felt very sad when I cancelled him so he decided to appear in the college and asked me again to spend the day together.   
I accepted and we went in his car to a park near to the college. We had a big picnic and we laughed and had a good time like usual. I was very distracted at first and couldn’t stop thinking about last night and couldn’t stop asking myself where they should be in that moment and what they should be doing. But after a while, I decided to stop my head and started to focus all my attention on him.  
We ate and talked until the sunset. We looked how the sun went down together and we took a lot of pictures. After that he invited me to his place and I told him that it was late and that I couldn’t came back to the college in the midnight. He told me that I could sleep in his place, and came back the next morning.  
I didn’t know what to do but I felt bad because I’ve rejected his plans and also have kissed someone else. We are not even a thing, but I felt bad anyways, so I finally said yes and we went to his place.

He lived in a lovely apartment. His room is green and blue which are my favorite colors and he has a lot of posters with my favorite’s bands on them. Zayn’s brother wasn’t there so he showed me his bedroom. It had the better TV of the entire house so we stayed there and watched a movie. I felt a little uncomfortable being in a room that didn’t belong to him but I felt good about anything else.  
When least that half of the movie has passed we stopped paying attention. We kissed each other until kissing wasn’t enough… and the rest of its history. I haven’t had sex in a while and I missed it. He his hot and he didn’t try to make me do nothing that I didn’t want to do, so it was a nice and warm scene.   
Now he is having a shower and I’m writing this. I think that he deserves a chance after all….

Harry

 

Day twenty nine  
Dear diary:   
Today is my Mum’s birthday and I can’t be with her. That makes me sad. I talked to her a lot on the phone but it wasn’t enough. I would love to be able to hug her and gave her a present.  
I sometimes feel that the time passes very fast but at the same time I feel every day as a life-time, so I don’t quite understand my feelings.  
Seven days ago Lou and I were kissing each other. Now I am kind of dating Ian. When I am with him I feel okay, I enjoy the things that we do together, and the time what we spend, but when I am alone I feel sad. And it’s weird because when I am happy it’s like I forget how the sadness is like, but when I am sad I feel like I’ve never felt happiness in my life. I can’t decide if my happiness is pretend and for that reason is so easy for me to forget it when I am with myself, or if it is so real that I have no other option that to be sad when I am not with the person, that in theory, makes me happy. It’s complex, I know. I am complex.  
Louis looks as another person since his girlfriend left the college. He is sad and blue and I don’t understand his reasons because I don’t think that he is missing her. Something else is happening in his head and even I know that it’s not my business, I am concern. Niall says that he is sad because of me dating Ian, but Niall is my friend and he seem us in a platonic and magical way that is not real, so I don’t believe in that. I am not with Ian in front of him, so he has no reason for feel bad about that.   
We don’t talk in class anymore, we seat near to the other and I know that we are always hearing what the other is talking but we never answer what the other ask, we never laugh at the other joke, we never comment the other story. If anyone looked at us, that person never tell that we shared a kiss sometime, because we are like strangers again now.  
Anyway… I am going to have dinner with Ian. Wish me luck.  
Harry.

Day thirty  
Dear diary:  
I had a lovely dinner with Ian, he invited to his place after the date, but I said no because I have an important test tomorrow. I feel that I never talk about my subjects or my professors and that my only concerns are my teenage drama, but I am having really good marks and I love what I’m studying. I am happy with the career that I choose and I have no regrets. I am still missing home and I’m sure that I am never going to stop missing it, but I feel that my effort it’s worthy.   
But bringing back the teenage drama…. Last night when I kissed Ian goodbye and left his car, I saw Louis seating on the floor in the entrance of the college. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t act like if he wasn’t there and enter in the building, so I just waited for him to do something. After a few awkward seconds, he looked me in the eyes and opened his mouth to talk.

-Today is your mum birthday, isn’t it?- he asked me.

I seat next to him before answer.

-In deed. When I told you that?-

-The other day, before we enter into the cinema. Could you talk to her?-  
-Yes, but it wasn’t enough. I normally were baked something for her, bought her a present, prepared a surprise party, not just a little chat on the phone, you know?-  
-Yeah, I understand… I just wanted to know how you were doing. You always care about me and… I care about you too, even if I’m an idiot who doesn’t talk to you in class, or who kiss his girlfriend in front of your eyes, I mean…. I am sorry about everything; I wish I could be a better version of myself when it comes to you.  
-You are a good version of yourself, you don’t have to apologize for kissing you girlfriend, I mean, she is your girlfriend of course you’re going to kissing her.  
-Is he your boyfriend? - he asked me and I could see pain inside his eyes. He looked me without blanking and I felt very confused. Why he was showing pain for the idea of me having a boyfriend? Why he was there seating in that entrance?

-Ian? No. I am seeing him, but we are not a couple. I don’t know him enough.  
-You don’t know me enough either.

We had been there before. That comment, that comparison. So unfair. What I was supposed to do? Do I have to be lonely and waiting until he decides how he feels about me? I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to stop my life for him. I want him, yes, of course I do, but I want me too.

-And that is the main reason for what I am not your boyfriend, either. Isn’t it?-  
-You are not my boyfriend because I don’t have boyfriends. I don’t like….- he was answering me but he stopped. He couldn’t finish his sentence, his lie. He waited a seconds and after that he took my face with his two hands and kissed me again.   
We were in the entrance of the college. We were in fucking public except that it was late and nobody was there, but someone could have passed and saw us. He was sober. We have never been together without alcohol in our systems and outside our bedrooms. That was a change. The boy who was saying a seconds before that we didn’t like boys like me… was there, kissing me like if nothing mattered anymore, except that…. Of course everything mattered.   
I have never been kissed like that before, no one ever had wanted to kiss me so badly in the past and I definitely have never enjoyed something in that intense, deep and unique way. I felt stronger and happier than ever. I felt powerful and choice.  
We made up a lot without talking; just stopping to see each other face, smile, laugh and came back to the other lips. We couldn’t think In something else, we were just there, being with the other, like if all our lives has been created just for us finding each other in that exact moment.  
It was a cold night, so in some point we had to enter in the building. I was afraid that braking the moment made him changes his mind, but luckily that didn’t happen. We went to his bedroom and we continued with the not talking thing.  
At some point we were in his bed, I was above him with my arms bent around his body. I have never been allowed to have him in that way, so close, so warm. I have even never let myself dream about it, something so impossible for me. I kissed his neck and his jaw first, and his shoulders over his shirt then, until he let me pull out his shirt, and loose it in some corner of the bedroom. His hands were moving around my long hair almost the entire time.   
I lost my shirt too and we changed positions. I didn’t know how far he was dispose to go that night and I didn’t want to do anything that made him feel uncomfortable. I am use to be with man, to have sex with them, but he have never done something like that before, so everything was new and unusual for him, and I understood that. I was thinking about that all the time.  
We were good but when I tried to pull down his jeans, he kind of came back to the reality. I could see something that looked like panic in his blue and shiny eyes. I stopped and moved away my hands. I looked him and smiled, before kissing him in a soft way. I decided to order my mind to change the course of my thoughts and gave him space.

-I don’t know what to say…. I am sorry… I am… I don’t… Harry….. I….- he sounded embarrassed and disappointed.  
-It’s okay Lou. I am the happiest person in the world right now; you don’t have the need to say nothing. Everything is just fine.

We recovered our shirts and talked a little bit seating next to each other on his bed until Zayn opened the door. He looked at us like if we were the most normal thing in the universe and after a few words between the three of us I left the room. 

In ten minutes I have to do my exam so I am done writing this.  
I’ll update you my teenage drama later.  
Harry.

 

That night  
Dear diary:  
I could answer to all the exam’s questions so I think I am fine. All the boys except for Liam thought that they did it well too. Sophia and Louis are probably going to have the better marks as always.   
Louis and I could talk in class as if nothing have happened and I decided to end my dating thing with Ian. I know that yesterday I said that I am not going to stop my life waiting for a guy who is not going to be with me, but I can’t be with someone who I don’t love or care enough. We never said anything about being with other people, but I am not the kind of person who can be with one man in the morning and with another in the night. I don’t understand how some people can do it, I don’t think that it’s a bad thing, but I just can’t be like that. I feel guilty.   
When I was having a shower this afternoon, I tried to do a list about all the things that I like about Louis. And even I am conscious that the important things that make us fall in love for someone, can’t be written or put in a stupid list, I wanted to know what he has that make me think about him all day.  
If I didn’t know him as a person and I only saw him as a classmate, I’d loved his arms and his ankles. The crinkles in his eyes when he laughs or the color of his brown and fringe hair. And definitely his eyelashes or his accent. But as I kind of know him, I believe that I what I really like is the fact that he can be the most important person in the room, but also the most concern and conscious about the others who are around him. He can be loud and funny because he loves the attention and he doesn’t care whose attention he is getting. But, at the same time, even if he is pretending to be busy or not paying attention at all, he is always listening to the others and trying to make them feel good. He has a really good memory and he makes that people can feel important when he asked them about something that they told him days or weeks before. I am not just talking about my mum’s birthday comment; he does it all the time with everyone because he cares about people.   
Another thing that I like about him, I think, is that he is clever and talented. He is good in everything as far as I can know. He is good playing football. He is very gift for writing. He has an amazing voice even he doesn’t believe it. He can win all the ping-pong games that he has to win and he is also great making origami.   
Louis doesn’t want to hide his emotions. He has some troubles with his most deep and dark interior, but if he wants to be sad, he cries, if he wants to be happy, he makes the best party. He is genuine, impulsive and secure and I like that about him. I overthink things sometimes and he clearly doesn’t.   
In the past I had relationships with people who were similar to me in a lot of aspects and it didn’t work because we understood the other’s mistakes and we forgave the other without learning something of the situations and just repeating ourselves over and over again. If you share a defect with someone, you are not going to change it because the other can live with that defect, and that, at some point is either boring or unhealthy.  
I have to sleep now but I’ll be back tomorrow.  
Harry


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, Thank you for being here reading this! Thank you for the kudos and the likes in the Tumblr’s posts. I am thankful for all the people following this little story and I don’t care how many are, I know that it’s a little little number but I am happy anyways. 
> 
> My tumblr is @notthatimportant1997 and my name is Micaela :)

Day twenty one  
Dear diary:   
Louis and I talked a lot between our classes last week. He introduced me a few of his friends and I went to his room in every break that we had. We played scrabble although he hated it because I always win. And we also watched funny videos in the computer. We liked the reality shows about singers and we enjoyed watching them and talking a lot about it. We are always sending the other messages talking about the participants, their voices, their songs choices. We’d enjoy being a judge in some program like the x factor, but that is not going to happened. No in this life, at least.  
His girlfriend is going to come in the weekend so I am going to meet her. I saw pictures of her and she is really pretty. She is all thin and tall. She has a long brown hair and a sweet smile. She looks like a nice person but I don’t believe that she is one of those.  
Louis and she argued a lot over the phone every day. She didn’t like the fact that he is in this college so far from her. I hope that they can clear the things tomorrow when she arrives.

Today our favorite movie appears in all the cinemas. We are having the opportunity to watch it in two hours so I’m very excited. Niall is coming with us. They are starting to talk a lot, I don’t know how happened but Liam, Zayn and the other three of us, act like friends. The four of them reminded me my high school friends. I talked about them with my sister and with my ex Emma and they wanted to meet the boys. I suppose that maybe in my birthday that can happen.

Changing the subject… I haven’t seen Ian again because our lives are busy with all the work we have for the school and all the hours that we are in class. But we talked every night over the phone and we are going to have a date tomorrow. I feel fine when I speak to him and I don’t want to lose that feeling.  
I am going to have a shower so I can be ready for the movie with the boys. I’ll write later.  
Harry

Later that day  
Dear diary:  
The movie was amazing. It was all I was expecting and much more. But… I don’t want to write more about it right now, because I can’t think about a film when my life is a mess… I can’t think about nothing in fact.

Louis invited me to drink wine in his room after the cinema. Niall, Zayn and Liam are still in my room watching football and I am writing this in one of the balconies from the building. I accepted the invitation after asking him the reason about the swap between the beer and the wine. He answered me that he was looking to be a little more sophisticated and we laughed because he is a lot of things but not that one.  
I hate how much power he has over me. He didn’t even try to make me feel like this. He breathes and I am in pain. I wanted him badly. I can’t deny the truth anymore. I don’t have the ability or the power to like someone else because he is all what I want.

Anyway, we were in his room. We drank the bottle of wine and listened to music. We started to scream the songs dancing in his bed and we couldn’t stop laughing. I have never felt freer in my entire life. It was like being in and empty world with no bad things or mean people, just flowers, teddy bears, kids, my favorite music and he. 

After a while we stopped the show and we just seat in front of the other on the floor   
and hold our hands. We hadn’t a reason to do that but we just feel the need to do it. We stared at each other and I could see how he was looking at me like he has never done it before. We didn’t talk or either move or left our hands, until he spoke.  
He said a lot of things. I might don’t know his exactly words, but I do know that he said that he has never felt something like what he was feeling about me in that moment. And that he was very confused and didn’t want to accept what was happening.   
He talked about how he loves his girlfriend. And then, after a lot of sentences full of confusion, pain, anxiety and fear he asked me how I could feel right about myself. How I didn’t want to fix me or change me.

I felt attacked at first and I let go his hands. But then I remembered all the things and all the time that I have passed before accepting who I am. And I saw in him, a younger version of me who all what it wanted was to be accepted and fixed.   
I told him that I didn’t want to change myself because I believed that love it was the strongest feeling in the universe and that nobody should want to escape from it. I told him that it was nothing to be repaired and that no one had to know about how he felt until he wanted it that to happen. I didn’t told him that I like him, not only because is obvious… because he discovered a really deep and big part of himself and that’s more important than me or anything else.

We didn’t talk for a long time, because I wanted that he could relax a bit and had a time to think before saying me anything. He cried a little and he hide his face with his hands and knees. Louis was the most vulnerable thing that I have ever seen in that moment and all what I wanted it was to kiss him and tell him that everything was going to be alright.  
He suddenly stood up and opened another bottle of wine. He drank two cups and stare at me while he was doing it. I waited, until he said that the two things that annoyed him the most were all the thoughts that I had made him had in only twenty one days. And the fact that I was dating “that idiot with his fancy car and his black and white shit”. I laughed because of his comment and replied that he wasn’t and idiot and that I loved the black and white shit too.  
He apologized because of the tears, the words and the questions. He apologized again for the night that we met in the balcony and then end it up in his room. And after let me say something more, he took my face with one of his hands and kissed me. He kissed me for just a few seconds but he broke every part of me.  
I could feel how my bones, my skin, my heart, all of me… just broke inside me. It’s a dark and painful image but it wasn’t pain what I feel, it was adrenaline, anxiety, joy, pleasure and a few more adjectives that haven’t been invented yet. He took every particle of me and made it his.  
Louis smiled like an angel after the kiss. His cheeks were rose and his eyes were full of light and peace. Our kiss taste like wine, but also like the best memory of your childhood that you can remember. Or like your favorite word said but your favorite person in the world. Maybe just like your favorite quote from your favorite book. Or like all those things, but reunited in his lips against mines.  
He didn’t have the need of asking me to leave the room because I knew that he needed space and time.  
It doesn’t matter if he ever can accept what he really likes or if he ever looks at me again. I can live in that kiss for the eternity.

Harry.

 

Day twenty two  
Dear diary:  
When I woke up this morning I felt really good. Niall and Liam were still sleeping but I made them get out of the bed and had breakfast with me. It’s Saturday so nobody was awake so early and a lot of people in the college were waiting for visitors. I knew that Louis’ girlfriend was going to be one of those visitors but I tried not to think a lot about it.  
I’ve decided not to tell Liam and Niall about last night because Louis is not gay and he shouldn’t want people talking about our kiss, but Niall started talking about it without me saying anything. Zayn has already told them in the moment that I left his room and Louis texted him.  
I thought that it was a good thing, but then I remembered that he was drunk and that the fact that he had told Zayn about the kiss meant nothing. You can talk about something that happened but that talk doesn’t matter until you say that is an important one. I mean, the kiss means nothing if he said that I gave it to him or that it was something meanless.  
Niall said that he was happy, and that Liam and he had talked a lot of times about some unusual chemistry between Lou and I, and that they weren’t surprise with what had happened because of that.  
But after the nice talk, they told me that probably nothing would ever happen again and that Louis won’t break up with his girlfriend.  
They told me a story about two boys who liked each other very much but one of them didn’t want to leave the closet so they dated in secret for a while until the other left the closeted one because he wanted to be free. They said that Louis is a good boy but that he had a lot of popularity and that he was not going to lose it because of me. And that I didn’t have to accept a secret relationship because I deserved something better.  
I didn’t answer them because I never answer in situations like that, but I thought about it all day. I have already thought about it because it’s the normal theory about him and me.  
At first I thought that he would never feel even attracted for me, but when I started to considered he liking me as a possibility, I fully considered the option of we having a secret relationship because we are something prohibited.  
The first night that he was drunk and he talked about his family was the first time that I thought like that. All the troubles that her mum and sisters has with their bad boyfriends… they don’t need a gay son, step-son or brother to deal with. I understand that.

Although all those things, I was happy all the morning and looking forward to see him again. But when we met he was holding his girlfriend’s hand. He barely looked at me and he definitely not said a word. The both of them, Zayn, Liam, Sophia, Niall and I had lunch together. She is pretty, skinny and tall. Just like in the pictures. She has a nice smile and a really good hair. She looks like all the girls in the magazines or the TV.  
They kissed a lot in front of me. They are that kind of couple that couldn’t leave each other for more than a few seconds. I survived the scene better that I’ve thought I could handle it, but all the happiness left my body and soul.   
Seeing them like that, make me feel like our kiss, have happened years ago in another land in another timeline in someplace really far from home.  
He looked happy and I don’t know what to think about it. I believed his happiness when I saw it in his eyes and they didn’t argue, not even for a second. Maybe they are that kind of couples who look happy only in front of the other people and argue when they are alone.   
I had a date with Ian but I cancelled it because I don’t want to see him again, at least for a while. I hope he finds a person who can love him the way he deserves.  
I’ll write later.  
Harry.

 

A few hours later  
Dear diary:  
All my friends, Louis and his girlfriend went to the center of the town for shopping but I didn’t want to go. The lunch was enough for me and I didn’t want to watch the happy couple together anymore.  
I read in one of the balconies for a while until someone touched my shoulder. It was Ian. Even I didn’t understand why he was there with me, I smiled to him and closed my book. He told me that he had planned the whole weekend for us and that he had felt very sad when I cancelled him so he decided to appear in the college and asked me again to spend the day together.   
I accepted and we went in his car to a park near to the college. We had a big picnic and we laughed and had a good time like usual. I was very distracted at first and couldn’t stop thinking about last night and couldn’t stop asking myself where they should be in that moment and what they should be doing. But after a while, I decided to stop my head and started to focus all my attention on him.  
We ate and talked until the sunset. We looked how the sun went down together and we took a lot of pictures. After that he invited me to his place and I told him that it was late and that I couldn’t came back to the college in the midnight. He told me that I could sleep in his place, and came back the next morning.  
I didn’t know what to do but I felt bad because I’ve rejected his plans and also have kissed someone else. We are not even a thing, but I felt bad anyways, so I finally said yes and we went to his place.

He lived in a lovely apartment. His room is green and blue which are my favorite colors and he has a lot of posters with my favorite’s bands on them. Zayn’s brother wasn’t there so he showed me his bedroom. It had the better TV of the entire house so we stayed there and watched a movie. I felt a little uncomfortable being in a room that didn’t belong to him but I felt good about anything else.  
When least that half of the movie has passed we stopped paying attention. We kissed each other until kissing wasn’t enough… and the rest of its history. I haven’t had sex in a while and I missed it. He his hot and he didn’t try to make me do nothing that I didn’t want to do, so it was a nice and warm scene.   
Now he is having a shower and I’m writing this. I think that he deserves a chance after all….

Harry

 

Day twenty nine  
Dear diary:   
Today is my Mum’s birthday and I can’t be with her. That makes me sad. I talked to her a lot on the phone but it wasn’t enough. I would love to be able to hug her and gave her a present.  
I sometimes feel that the time passes very fast but at the same time I feel every day as a life-time, so I don’t quite understand my feelings.  
Seven days ago Lou and I were kissing each other. Now I am kind of dating Ian. When I am with him I feel okay, I enjoy the things that we do together, and the time what we spend, but when I am alone I feel sad. And it’s weird because when I am happy it’s like I forget how the sadness is like, but when I am sad I feel like I’ve never felt happiness in my life. I can’t decide if my happiness is pretend and for that reason is so easy for me to forget it when I am with myself, or if it is so real that I have no other option that to be sad when I am not with the person, that in theory, makes me happy. It’s complex, I know. I am complex.  
Louis looks as another person since his girlfriend left the college. He is sad and blue and I don’t understand his reasons because I don’t think that he is missing her. Something else is happening in his head and even I know that it’s not my business, I am concern. Niall says that he is sad because of me dating Ian, but Niall is my friend and he seem us in a platonic and magical way that is not real, so I don’t believe in that. I am not with Ian in front of him, so he has no reason for feel bad about that.   
We don’t talk in class anymore, we seat near to the other and I know that we are always hearing what the other is talking but we never answer what the other ask, we never laugh at the other joke, we never comment the other story. If anyone looked at us, that person never tell that we shared a kiss sometime, because we are like strangers again now.  
Anyway… I am going to have dinner with Ian. Wish me luck.  
Harry.

Day thirty  
Dear diary:  
I had a lovely dinner with Ian, he invited to his place after the date, but I said no because I have an important test tomorrow. I feel that I never talk about my subjects or my professors and that my only concerns are my teenage drama, but I am having really good marks and I love what I’m studying. I am happy with the career that I choose and I have no regrets. I am still missing home and I’m sure that I am never going to stop missing it, but I feel that my effort it’s worthy.   
But bringing back the teenage drama…. Last night when I kissed Ian goodbye and left his car, I saw Louis seating on the floor in the entrance of the college. I didn’t know what to do because I couldn’t act like if he wasn’t there and enter in the building, so I just waited for him to do something. After a few awkward seconds, he looked me in the eyes and opened his mouth to talk.

-Today is your mum birthday, isn’t it?- he asked me.

I seat next to him before answer.

-In deed. When I told you that?-

-The other day, before we enter into the cinema. Could you talk to her?-  
-Yes, but it wasn’t enough. I normally were baked something for her, bought her a present, prepared a surprise party, not just a little chat on the phone, you know?-  
-Yeah, I understand… I just wanted to know how you were doing. You always care about me and… I care about you too, even if I’m an idiot who doesn’t talk to you in class, or who kiss his girlfriend in front of your eyes, I mean…. I am sorry about everything; I wish I could be a better version of myself when it comes to you.  
-You are a good version of yourself, you don’t have to apologize for kissing you girlfriend, I mean, she is your girlfriend of course you’re going to kissing her.  
-Is he your boyfriend? - he asked me and I could see pain inside his eyes. He looked me without blanking and I felt very confused. Why he was showing pain for the idea of me having a boyfriend? Why he was there seating in that entrance?

-Ian? No. I am seeing him, but we are not a couple. I don’t know him enough.  
-You don’t know me enough either.

We had been there before. That comment, that comparison. So unfair. What I was supposed to do? Do I have to be lonely and waiting until he decides how he feels about me? I don’t want to be that kind of person. I don’t want to stop my life for him. I want him, yes, of course I do, but I want me too.

-And that is the main reason for what I am not your boyfriend, either. Isn’t it?-  
-You are not my boyfriend because I don’t have boyfriends. I don’t like….- he was answering me but he stopped. He couldn’t finish his sentence, his lie. He waited a seconds and after that he took my face with his two hands and kissed me again.   
We were in the entrance of the college. We were in fucking public except that it was late and nobody was there, but someone could have passed and saw us. He was sober. We have never been together without alcohol in our systems and outside our bedrooms. That was a change. The boy who was saying a seconds before that we didn’t like boys like me… was there, kissing me like if nothing mattered anymore, except that…. Of course everything mattered.   
I have never been kissed like that before, no one ever had wanted to kiss me so badly in the past and I definitely have never enjoyed something in that intense, deep and unique way. I felt stronger and happier than ever. I felt powerful and choice.  
We made up a lot without talking; just stopping to see each other face, smile, laugh and came back to the other lips. We couldn’t think In something else, we were just there, being with the other, like if all our lives has been created just for us finding each other in that exact moment.  
It was a cold night, so in some point we had to enter in the building. I was afraid that braking the moment made him changes his mind, but luckily that didn’t happen. We went to his bedroom and we continued with the not talking thing.  
At some point we were in his bed, I was above him with my arms bent around his body. I have never been allowed to have him in that way, so close, so warm. I have even never let myself dream about it, something so impossible for me. I kissed his neck and his jaw first, and his shoulders over his shirt then, until he let me pull out his shirt, and loose it in some corner of the bedroom. His hands were moving around my long hair almost the entire time.   
I lost my shirt too and we changed positions. I didn’t know how far he was dispose to go that night and I didn’t want to do anything that made him feel uncomfortable. I am use to be with man, to have sex with them, but he have never done something like that before, so everything was new and unusual for him, and I understood that. I was thinking about that all the time.  
We were good but when I tried to pull down his jeans, he kind of came back to the reality. I could see something that looked like panic in his blue and shiny eyes. I stopped and moved away my hands. I looked him and smiled, before kissing him in a soft way. I decided to order my mind to change the course of my thoughts and gave him space.

-I don’t know what to say…. I am sorry… I am… I don’t… Harry….. I….- he sounded embarrassed and disappointed.  
-It’s okay Lou. I am the happiest person in the world right now; you don’t have the need to say nothing. Everything is just fine.

We recovered our shirts and talked a little bit seating next to each other on his bed until Zayn opened the door. He looked at us like if we were the most normal thing in the universe and after a few words between the three of us I left the room. 

In ten minutes I have to do my exam so I am done writing this.  
I’ll update you my teenage drama later.  
Harry.

 

That night  
Dear diary:  
I could answer to all the exam’s questions so I think I am fine. All the boys except for Liam thought that they did it well too. Sophia and Louis are probably going to have the better marks as always.   
Louis and I could talk in class as if nothing have happened and I decided to end my dating thing with Ian. I know that yesterday I said that I am not going to stop my life waiting for a guy who is not going to be with me, but I can’t be with someone who I don’t love or care enough. We never said anything about being with other people, but I am not the kind of person who can be with one man in the morning and with another in the night. I don’t understand how some people can do it, I don’t think that it’s a bad thing, but I just can’t be like that. I feel guilty.   
When I was having a shower this afternoon, I tried to do a list about all the things that I like about Louis. And even I am conscious that the important things that make us fall in love for someone, can’t be written or put in a stupid list, I wanted to know what he has that make me think about him all day.  
If I didn’t know him as a person and I only saw him as a classmate, I’d loved his arms and his ankles. The crinkles in his eyes when he laughs or the color of his brown and fringe hair. And definitely his eyelashes or his accent. But as I kind of know him, I believe that I what I really like is the fact that he can be the most important person in the room, but also the most concern and conscious about the others who are around him. He can be loud and funny because he loves the attention and he doesn’t care whose attention he is getting. But, at the same time, even if he is pretending to be busy or not paying attention at all, he is always listening to the others and trying to make them feel good. He has a really good memory and he makes that people can feel important when he asked them about something that they told him days or weeks before. I am not just talking about my mum’s birthday comment; he does it all the time with everyone because he cares about people.   
Another thing that I like about him, I think, is that he is clever and talented. He is good in everything as far as I can know. He is good playing football. He is very gift for writing. He has an amazing voice even he doesn’t believe it. He can win all the ping-pong games that he has to win and he is also great making origami.   
Louis doesn’t want to hide his emotions. He has some troubles with his most deep and dark interior, but if he wants to be sad, he cries, if he wants to be happy, he makes the best party. He is genuine, impulsive and secure and I like that about him. I overthink things sometimes and he clearly doesn’t.   
In the past I had relationships with people who were similar to me in a lot of aspects and it didn’t work because we understood the other’s mistakes and we forgave the other without learning something of the situations and just repeating ourselves over and over again. If you share a defect with someone, you are not going to change it because the other can live with that defect, and that, at some point is either boring or unhealthy.  
I have to sleep now but I’ll be back tomorrow.  
Harry

 

 

Day thirty one  
Dear diary:   
I feel a little bad. I couldn’t leave my bedroom this morning because I am a bit sick, so I slept an incredible amount of hours. That it’s not very usual in my life because I use to sleep five or six hours. I missed home all day, because when I usually get sick, my sister does too and we are all the week together, watching movies and eating ice cream. We have different rooms, but in those cases we sleep together and enjoy the entire journey as brother and sister. We are both grown-ups now, but we still act like that because it’s funny and we were raised that way.  
Liam and Niall almost didn’t appear because they don’t want to be sick, but Louis spent with me a lot of time, in fact we spent together almost the entire afternoon and it was really nice. He brought me cupcakes and tea and we talked about a lot of things.  
I am pretty sure that he is going to be sick any time soon, because we laid together in my bed watching movies and listening to music from the computer a lot of hours, although we didn’t kiss or something like that. We acted like friends. Best friends, actually. I don’t know why we have so many troubles and change our dynamic every day, but I believe that at the end of the day, if we end it up as a couple, brothers or just classmates, we are going to be really important for the other, and that is better than nothing. Most of the people gets much less than that with the person that they love, so I think that I am in a good position not matter how complicated it’s everything.  
Ian and I are officially not dating anymore. We had a talk over the phone and he understood every each of my words. He was nice and polite as always and his only request was to keep it in touch. I care about him so I am happy that we can still talk and know about the other’s life.

Lou and I talked a lot about the future today. I asked him how he saw his life in ten years and then he asked me the same. He wants to travel all around the world, have different jobs, live in different places, speak foreign languages and know the diversity of the art from each continent. He is as ambitious as intelligent, so he is probably going to reach his dream. But, my vision of the future is quite different. I wanted to answer him that in ten years I want a lot of kids, a house with a big garden, three dogs and maybe two cats, my own best seller and a foundation that helps ill kids and homeless families. But I didn’t answer that because I did not want to sound as an idiot o or a silly dreamer, so I just told him that I wanted a best seller and a big apartment in the center of the city.  
He wanted to know why I didn’t want to travel. Well, I love my country and I don’t want to live in any other place. I understand why people like to have new experiences and adventures. I’d love to know and learn other cultures and be able to visit some magical and so special places out there, but I don’t like changes, I don’t like the unpredictable, I am a man of routines and habits. And I also love my family a lot, and I’d never choose to move away from them.  
There are some professions like professional dancer or famous singer that implies that the person is going to have to move, explore the world, play in different theaters and companies and be always on tour, running the world. But that is always part of the dream. If you choose that for your life, you choose the planes, the ships, the hotels, the changes. And to live like that you have to find a person who does the same thing that you do, or that can be capable of leave everything and run behind you. That kind of relationship sounds so selfish to me. I would never ask someone to be with me if that implies to change radically his life and I would never leave my career, my family or my friends for someone else. I believe in love more than in anything else. But I don’t see that kind of sacrifices as love proofs.   
When I finished with my speech, Louis answered me that for him everything was relative. He said that if he wanted to travel someday and his partner told him that he or she wasn’t dispose to leave his or her life for that journey, he would know, with that discussion, that the other person had never really loved him. Although I strongly disagree with that thought, it’s not important because it’s was just an exchange of opinions for a potential future, that neither or us know if we are going to have.

After the long talk, we took a nap together until Niall called us because it was dinner time. I felt better after the nap and I was able to have dinner with all of the boys and Sophia. Sadly it was an illusion because after eating I troughed up everything and had fever again. I didn’t tell anybody because I wanted to be alone for a bit. I really enjoyed Louis’ company all day, it was honestly one of the best things that happened in my life lately, but I wanted a little of loneliness for myself. I simply told everybody that I wanted to sleep and came to my room, to took an aspiring and write this for you.  
I hope to be better tomorrow.  
Harry. 

Day thirty two  
Dear diary:  
I am still sick. I had an awful night because I had fever for a lot of hours, and every time I feel bad, I had a lot of thoughts that tell me that I am never going to be fine again, and I am always going to feel that bad. I can be very dramatic when I want, but my father does the same thing, so I assume that we are just very use to my mum taking care of us. She talked with me a lot this morning, she feels guilty because she is not here, but I am not kid, I have to learn how to be alone in situations like these. I am conscious that it’s nothing serious what I got, but every tiny situation is a cause to miss my old life.  
I am going to go home next weekend, it’s a long trip but I really want to do it because I am missing everyone. It’s going to be a nice thing to be reunited with my sister and my parents. I have to tell my friends that I am coming, so they can make plans for me and give me a good time. They are studying near home or not studying at all because they all need to work and help their families. I don’t have that need and I feel a little bad because life it’s unfair and we all should have the same opportunities. So it’s going to be a bit awkward to come back and talk about the college when not everyone has that privilege.  
My mum works as a librarian and my dad is a doctor. Gemma, my sister, wants to go to law school but she still has two years to make the decision. She is very smart, the smartest of all the family even both of my parents have good jobs and I’m in college. When she was little, she liked to stood up on a chair and read little stories out loud for all her friends who didn’t know how to read yet. She was the queen of the kindergarten and the primary school because she always knew what to say while she never forgot how to be kind and fun. There aren’t a lot of people like her in the world and she is also the most humble person that I know. She is very talented, always get great marks and wins any contest or challenge, but she doesn’t like the attention or the compliments because is not competitive at all. I would like to be more like her, but I care a lot about the other people’s opinions, I want their approval and their love and you can’t have that from everyone, so it’s a complicated goal.  
I am going to stop talking about home because I don’t want to make myself feel sad and sicker.  
I’ll be back later.  
Harry.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes to Holmes Chapel, Louis is not happy with the idea, and maybe he had the right reasons for not being happy about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I hope that everyone had a lovely Christmas and that all of you have nice plans for the New Year's Eve, I am sorry if it took me a lot of days to update, but I didn't have chapters already writen anymore and with all the holidays and end of the year's things, it was very hard for me to have time to write. I am going on vacations on January 10th, so I'll leave one chapter and luckly two before that. Thank you for being here reading this. I hope that you enjoy the chapter, althoug it hasn't got a lot of Larry. Bye :)

Day thirty three  
Dear diary:   
Louis and I had a date. It was not a real one because we are just friends, but I like to call it that way.   
I’ve been feeling well since very early this morning but I stayed in bed all day just in case that my fever decided to come back. It didn’t, so after finishing his classes and his essays Louis came to my room and invited me to go out for dinner. We went to an Indian restaurant and we ate their typical food. I haven’t tried something like that before, and he is always complaining about my diet that only consist in a few normal things, so he took me there, showed me one of his favorite places and asked for my opinion. I really enjoyed the food and the place was beautiful. I didn’t have a favorite restaurant or something like that, in fact the only place that I really love related to food is the bakery where I used to worked last year.  
Louis and I talked a lot about my little trip for the weekend. I am very excited about coming home for two days and he asked me a lot of questions about it. I described my family and my friends, and the things that we usually do when we are together. But he looked a little sad while I was talking and he Is always happy and loud, so it was a strange thing. When I asked him what was wrong he didn’t give me a proper answer at first, but then he confessed his concerns.

-I am happy for you, I know how much you miss home and the way that you talk about your sister is… incredible. It says a lot about a person how he or she talks about his or hers closest people and you talk with a lot of passion about them. I mean, I miss my friends and my family too, especially my sisters and my little brother but I can’t talk about it. I don’t know how to put those feelings in words. And for you… it’s just easy, you know? You talk about them and just pick the perfect words.-

I believed his words, I knew that he was happy about me, but I didn’t understand what was behind that happiness.

-I know that you are happy Lou, but you don’t sound happy. Is something wrong? Something happened? The fact that you don’t sound happy about my travel to Holmes Chapel doesn’t has to mean that you are not happy about that, it can means that you are not happy about something else, something related to you and not me.-  
-No, everything is fine in my life… I… - he sighed and looked at the window instead of my face- You are going to see a lot of people this weekend, not just your family or your friends… You are going to have your life back for forty eight hours and I am worry about that. I know that is probably a selfish feeling, but you looked lonely and sad the first day, and now you are much better, and you have Niall, Liam and Zayn. If you saw your old friends and your home, maybe when you came back you are going to be sad again... We are not so important for you as them, I mean, at least not yet… But we are here, you have us for the next years of your life… And… I’d like to see you happy about that. About our group.-  
-Why those thoughts are selfish according to you? You are not being selfish, you are being nice. You don’t have to worry about that, I am going to be a little sad and I am going to miss them a lot in the moment that I took the train but I am not going to be like the first day. I am happy with the boys and with all my classes. It’s a nice place. I am happy to be here.-  
-Well… I am glad to hear that, but the selfish part is… I don’t want… I am not excited about you meeting the people that you dated in the past. You were dating Ian a few days ago, and you have ex boyfriends and girlfriends in Holmes Chapel. I know that it’s not fair what I am saying, but….-  
-I am not going to be with anyone on the weekend, but nothing is going to stop you of being with your girlfriend, so…You’re right, your comment it’s not fair at all.-  
-Maybe when you come back she is no longer my girlfriend. Would you like that, right mate?- he asked raising one of his eyebrows.  
For the look in his eyes when he finished the question, I could tell that he regretted his words one second after choosing them.  
-I like what you like, mate. You can be with her for the rest of your life if that it’s your choice.-

He changed the subject and we didn’t mention her or my weekend for the rest of the night. I am not sure about how should I be feeling. I mean, I am kind of flattered that he is worry about me being with someone in the weekend, but we are not together, I am a free man. I have not interests in being with no one that isn’t he, but… If I wanted to be with some ex or new guy… I would have the right to do it.   
And talking about the other important topic in our dinner conversation… I can’t stop thinking about his broke up comment. He is planning to leave his girlfriend? Why? Why this weekend? Why he talked about me being with another people and he being single? I’d be the happiest person in the world if he left her, because she doesn’t deserve him, but… That’d change our relationship? Am I supposed to do something if when I came back he is no longer her boyfriend? I am really looking forward to visit home and see everybody, but I can’t stop thinking about how different everything can be when I came back to London and to the college.  
I want Louis to have his own space. I don’t want to be his boyfriend, I don’t have the need to be in a relationship or something like that. We have good times when we are together and I really like him, but I think that he doesn’t know his own feelings. He must be asking himself a lot of questions and I don’t want to have fast and wrong answers.   
He told me once that what he was feeling about me, it’s something that he has never felt before. I have those words mark in my bones. I’ve never felt something like this before, I understand that and… It’s not easy. It’s a nice feeling but I feel a bit uncomfortable sometimes when I feel how my stomach hurts every time that I am near to him. Or how much pain I feel when I remembered seeing him with his girlfriend. Or how my sleeping schedule changes every time that we don’t talk to each other for a couple of days. It’s uncomfortable all the power that he has over me, how I care about what he feels, what he thinks. If we are having a group conversation with the other boys, I want him to laugh at my jokes, and to answer to my questions. If we are in the classroom doing a test, I am paying attention to his gestures and his hands because I want to be sure that he is answering everything because I want him to success. I am always thinking about him, not matter what I am doing or with who I am spending my time.   
I am incapable of going to the kitchen, seat in the balconies, have a proper shower or watch a move without thinking what he is doing in that moment, what he is thinking on that second, how that thing that I am doing would be if he were there with me. I am not a person anymore, I am half of a person because I am not complete if he is not near me and I am fully aware of how painful that could be.  
I feel like an idiot because everything is happening too fast, I don’t even know him enough, but…. I started this talking about love at the first sight; I didn’t believe it that before meeting Louis but I knew that I wasn’t just having a crush with some cute boy. My life is entirely different since I saw him for the first time and I can’t wait to be at home and be able to talk to all this with Gemma.  
I’ll write you tomorrow.  
Harry.

Day thirty six  
Dear Diary:  
I am in Holmes Chapel!!!!! I can’t believe it!!!!! Are you reading this? I AM HOME.  
It isn’t a dream, I am truly writing this laying on my bed. I know that the last time that I was here was just a month ago, but I have never been way for so long and it was a huge change for me.  
I know that I haven’t written in a few days, I am sorry about that but I returned to the classes after being sick and I had to do a lot of things to catch up. Liam and Louis helped me a lot giving me their notes and all the material that they read, but I am going to have extra work for two weeks more until I can recover all the time that I had to loose.  
Talking about the important… I am happy. More than happy. I don’t have words to express how I am feeling. My parents and my sister were so nice to me that I am already feeling like I never leave the house. They talked a lot, in a very fast speed and all of them at the same time in the ride from the train station to our place. I don’t have the ability to talk that much, but I’d like to have it because I have a lot of things to tell too, although I am bad finding the right way to express myself. They told me a lot of things about very different topics. They went from the gossip of the neighborhood to my aunt’s pregnancy. And from a thousand questions about my college to the last chapter of Grey’s Anatomy.   
Gemma and my mum are preparing the lunch right now and I am on my bedroom. I think that they are going to give me a surprise party or something like that in a couple of hours because I haven’t seen my friends yet and that’s weird, so they are probably going to take me to some place where they all are going to be hide waiting for me.  
I really hope to be able to talk to my sister before I see everybody, because I want her opinion about my relationship with Louis and I don’t know if we are going to have time for ourselves after I see my friends. I would like to have more than just two days because I really want to spend time with a lot of people, but it’s not possible.  
Well I was going to leave you for a couple of hours, but Louis texted me a seconds ago and I think that you are going to enjoy his words. It’s not a big deal he just said to me that he is already missing me and that he wanted pictures of the town. I am definitely going to take pictures of everything in here because suddenly all seems beautiful and new. And yes, I am definitely missing him already too.  
I am going to have lunch right now, but I’ll be back soon.  
Harry.

Day thirty seven  
Dear diary:  
Well, I had a surprise party. It was a nice move from my mum although I had already guessing it. I don’t understand why some people hate surprises because I am a big fan of them. I have a lot of things to tell about it, but let’s start with the fact that before the party I could talk to Gemma. I tried to tell her everything about me and Louis and her reaction was the best as always. He is my little sister but sometimes she understands more about the life than I do. I mean not always and not with every issue or situation, but I enjoy sharing my feelings and fears with her because she always finds a way to make me feel right and content.  
Emma my former girlfriend and actual friend, was the first one that I saw when I arrived to the party. The place selected for the surprise was her house so it makes sense. We hugged for a very long time and I really liked the way that she made me feel. I haven’t realized how much I missed her until I was in her arms and it was a soft and nice feeling. She introduced me her new boyfriend whose name is Paul and who proved to be a very nice guy and a good partner. I am really happy about her. Then I saw four old friends who used to have a band with me, they are the funniest people in the world and we always have a lot of troubles together. I dated one of then a few months ago but we decided that we were better as friends. I can’t talk about everybody but the room was full of people that I love and I that I have missed. We listened to my favorite music, we danced a lot, we drank and we played games. Everything was going perfect until Emma had the brilliant idea to played “truth or dare”. I was never a fan of the game because I always ended up doing things that I’d regret at the morning. That time, was not the exception.  
I was a little drunk when we started to play it, and very drunk when we were in the middle of it. First someone from my high school asked me if preferred all of my boyfriends or the boys that I’ve ever dated besides Emma, and I answered that not all of them were better than her even when I prefer boys over girls. But then, the bad thing started when one of the stupid formers members of my old band told me that I had to kiss the hottest person in the room. I smiled like an idiot and kissed Julian who is also a member of the band, the last boy with who I had a thing before moving to London. He kissed me back and I remembered how good he was at it.   
The problem was the only thing that I could think about, while I was meeting his lips was Louis. But I wasn’t thinking of him in a lovely way. My only thought was that he would never kiss me like that in front of such a huge group of people. That he would never pick me like the hottest in a room, and the he would never see me like I see him. Because of all that, my fucking brain didn’t stop to tell me over and over again that he never was going to accept me or love me and that I needed to find someone else.   
I was feeling mad and sad, all at the same time, and those aren’t the nicest feelings to have together in the same body and the same moment. I left the group for a while and I isolated myself in the kitchen. I drank half of a glass with pure vodka and I cried a lot hating myself for loving someone who wasn’t able to have the same feelings for me and who couldn’t kiss me in a fucking party or feel proud of us. After almost twenty minutes, I stopped with the crying and the drinking and just decided to lay on the floor with my eyes closed. Julian joined me a few moments later and he just put his body next to mine.  
-I am sorry if I am the reason of your tears. It was just a game, you know? I didn’t want to upset you. I’d never do something to bother you; I thought that we were having fun… just like in the old times, the good ones.  
-I was the one who kissed you. You just gave me back the kiss; you don’t have to apologize for that.  
-For what are you crying then? Is someone in London making you feel bad?  
-I am the only one that is making myself miserable, no one else is doing it.   
-There are out there a whole full room with a lot of people who loves you and cares about you. Your mum, your sister and Emma have been planning this party since the moment that you left. They are not even here, but they buy all the food all the alcohol and they make sure that everyone was going to be able to spend this weekend with you. Nothing is the same since you are away from us. But… Am I crying about it on the kitchen floor? No. C’mon, you deserve something better than this.  
-That’s part of the problem… There is out there a full room of people, just like you said… But I am only thinking about one, and that person is powerful enough to make every single guest of the party small and insignificant for me. 

I was talking about Louis, but for some reason, Julian thought that I was talking about him, so he kissed me again. It was my turn of kissed him back and I did it. I did it as if my entire life depended of it. “He cares about you. He wants to be with you. He deserves you”, my mind repeated those words over and over again. I felt fine, at least in the moment, I felt chosen and loved. I remembered all the things that we shared together and how happy I was dating him. He was on top of me and he kissed me like a million times, all over my face, all over my neck, my chest, my stomach. He left me shirtless and I took away his tight jeans even when I knew that I didn’t want to do anything with him. Not that night, not in the kitchen floor, not with so many people in the house. I was drunk and I was feeling terrible, but I was able to feel sure about a few little things.   
We were there, together, feeling the other, touching the other, finding us again after all the time that have passed and all the changes that our lives were suffered. We could have been for more time than the only hour that we shared, but Emma found us and asked us to get dressed and go home.   
Both of them walked with me until my door because when I left the kitchen everybody had left the party and the three of us and Paul were the only ones in the house. Emma told me that we were going to have a conversation on the morning and after that she didn’t talk to me or even look me in the face, not for just one single moment. I am sure that she understands everything that happens and all the things that were on my mind. She knows almost everything about Louis because although I waited to be at home to talk with Gemma, I have been sending a lot of comments and updates to Emma since my first day in London. She is definitely going to know what to say and I am going to listen to her words, I own her at least that.  
I have been woken up for a few minutes, but I needed to write all this before leaving my bed and meeting my best friend because I wanted to put some order in my blurry memories. I am not the guy from last night anymore, I am going to fix his mistakes and try to say goodbye to home in the best possible way, but I don’t share his feelings and decisions.   
I hate that, you know? Being so sure of something being drunk or thinking at night, and then wake up and regret it all. We should be able to think and feel all the fucking time the same things. If we can’t agree with ourselves, how are we supposed to agree with anyone else?  
Emma is waiting for me in the kitchen, she is probably having breakfast with my parents and my sister, lying to them and telling them that the party was great and I was really happy. She is going to make look as a good friend, a lovely son and brother and a funny person as always. In the best of the cases, someday I am going to be able to do something like that for me. She deserves it.  
I’ll be back in a couple of hours.  
Harry.

 

Later the same day  
Dear diary:  
Gemma changed my tickets and I am living this midnight. I am going to have a few hours of sleep before having to go to classes in London, but she asked me to stay for a couple more hours and I couldn’t say no. Emma asked why I had kissed Julian and I explained her all the things that have crossed my mind on the moment. My sister was part of the conversation too, and the both of them told me the same things about what had happened. They said that they were sad about the way that I felt and that they would do anything in their power to make me feel less insecure. Emma told me that Julian still has feelings for me and that it wasn’t a nice move from my part to kiss him and to tell them those things that he didn’t get right. I gave her the reason and I talked to him a few hours earlier. I invited him to have lunch and I explained my situation with Louis and how sorry I was for our kissed. He understood and wished me the best telling me that he Louis wasn’t able to see me the way that I deserved to be seen, he wasn’t worth me. And that I didn’t have to worry or freak up because I was going to find someone able to love me in a right way, no matter who that person would be.  
Getting back my breakfast talk with my sister and my best friend, they didn’t want to talk a lot about what happened, and that surprised me, because usually they give me long speeches about my mistakes. This time they just told me that they thought that Louis was a nice guy and he was probably in love with me, no matter how complicated that could be, and that I needed to wait and see it with my own eyes. Gemma was so sure about it, that she told me that when I came back to London I was going to find a single classmate and I’ll be the reason of the break up. She is my sister, so she was born to think and say things like that, so she is not like the most credible source for the predictions of my love life. According to her every single person in this planet could fall in love with me at any time.  
I think the same about her, except that she really is beautiful and smart and she could have the power of be the most loved person in the Earth if she had that as a life goal, but she hasn’t. They didn’t have a lot much to say about the party, so we talked about other things. My sister told me about a new friend that he had and who apparently is the most amazing girl in town. She really cares about the people who are around her and she loves to talk about them and make list with all the good things that every one of them has. For the other side, Emma told me her story with Paul, how they have dated a few years ago and now they had reunited. I remembered his boyfriend of one summer that she spent in France, but I didn’t remember his name, now I know that they are both the same person.  
They asked me if I was writing a book because it was always one of my biggest dreams and like now I am study Literature, it would make sense, but I don’t have time and I don’t have the imagination either. Writing on you is the closest that I am of having a book, and that it’s not close at all. Then we discussed a little about politics and finally we went to the garden and took a lot of pictures because the sun was lightning everything in a beautiful way and we couldn’t miss such show.  
After the breakfast with them and the lunch with Julian, I went shopping with my parents, we talked a lot and we met the rest of my family at Starbucks. It was really nice to see them all again and listen to their voices. They all hugged me very tight me and they all complain about me not calling enough. I haven’t received a lot of hugs since I live in London, so I felt a little emotional with that big amount of physical lovely contact.  
Now I am going to have pizzas with all my friends and then I had a couple of hours before taking the train. Gemma has permission to miss school tomorrow because she wants to be awake until my very last minute here, so I’ll have the pleasure of a last meaningful and deep conversation with her.  
Probably the next time that I write here, I am going to be in London, so this is my last update from home…. I haven’t left yet and I am already looking forward to come back. I am not sad about that, I am not sure why, but I think that I am going to be fine at college and that Louis’ fears are not going to have place. It was nice to see everyone again, but I am pleased with my new life and my home. I was lucky enough to find the people that I had the pleasure to find.  
Harry.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry share a very special night together and Harry wants to invent a new lenguage to be able to talk about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think that you are going to enjoy this one, is my favorite. I really hope that you like it. Please if you can, leave me a message, a kudo, something in my tumblr, I don't know, but I'd love to know that someone out there is reading and enjoying this. I am going on vacations tomorrow so I'm not going to add a new chapter for a while, but no for a very long time. Maybe just two weeks or something like that. Thank you for being here, reading this, I love you.

Day thirty eight  
Dear diary:  
I arrived at London early this sunny Monday. I slept in the train and a few hours in my bedroom and then I went to classes for a lot of hours. I talked to Liam and Niall about my trip in the lunch time but I didn’t see Louis until the afternoon. He is working in a project with Sophia and they are going to spend a lot of hours doing it. If they do it right, they are going to pass the next exam with the best note without even doing it.  
I have been feeling well all day and all the drama and the confusion for the party is gone. The words that I could exchange with Emma, Julian and Gemma helped me a lot. Yes, I kissed the guy and I did a little mess, but now I am back here and everything is different.   
When I entered in the building this morning I was feeling a little guilty because I was afraid of seeing Louis too early. He has told me that he didn’t want me to kiss another person and my answer to his request was that I wasn’t going to do it. Like I clearly couldn’t keep my word, I was feeling bad about it. Even when I knew that I’ve told him that it wasn’t his business… The thing was that if he had really broken up with my girlfriend while I was messing around with Julian, it wouldn’t be a fair thing, even when we are not a couple… when we are not anything at all.

But, well, in conclusion the fact I didn’t see him until the classes were finished helped me because the guilt disappeared and I could order my thoughts about the weekend and what had meant for the two of us.   
When I saw him, he was in his room, Zayn wasn’t there and… Louis, well he was in the middle of his bedroom really wet and only with a towel covering half of his beautiful body. The bathroom’s door was open, proof that he had finished his shower just seconds ago and he hadn’t have the opportunity of putting clothes on yet. He has a few obsessions with some things related to his bedroom, although he is very messy and his things are always untidy. One of those obsessions is that he never has any door open except when he is in the middle of his post shower ritual. I like to call it in that way, because he cares more than it seems about his image and he has a lot of beauty and hair products. I have mines too and I am always worried about my look but he doesn’t seem like that kind of guy, and I do, so it was a nice thing to figure that side of him out.  
I asked him if he wanted me to wait outside, but he just smiled and said that he didn’t mind. He looked really happy and healthy and even when I have never seen him unhealthy it was the word that crossed my mind in that moment. His skin was like glowing and he had stars in his eyes, I don’t know if it was because of the towel that didn’t leave much to the imagination, the water all over his body or maybe the fact that we haven’t seen the other for days, but according to my eyes and memory he never looked more gorgeous than in his room a few hours ago.  
After telling me that I could stay in the room, Louis went to the bathroom until a few minutes later, he came back with a pair of boxers and nothing more covering him. His hair was no longer wet and he didn’t seem to have the intention of put any other clothes over his body. I have to say that I loved that choice and the confident that he was showing, even when that was not a new adjective to describe him at all.

-How was Holmes Chapel? Your mum was able to letting you go? If I had you in my arms for two days straight I wouldn’t have the force to do it.  
-You had me in your arms for more than two days and you let me go, too. It was nice, my family is amazing and they prepared a lot of little and big surprises for me. They gave the news and the rumors of the neighborhood, and they cooked, hugged and loved me in a lot of ways. My sister is every day a little cleverer and my friends are funnier that I remembered. It was a really good time, actually. I don’t know what to tell you, right now, but I am sure that when you hear more information you are going to love the details about everyone, mostly about my sister.  
-I am glad to heart that you had a good time, and I am definitely already waiting for the stories and their details. Did you have time to talk properly with Emma? I know that she is important for you and that you appreciate your conversations with her.  
-Yeah, she gave me a few lessons as usual.  
-Did you have a bad behavior? That was the reason of you needing lessons and speeches? - He asked raising one of his eyebrows.  
-I am good boy; you should know that by now.   
-Yeah but even the good boys do bad boys’ stuff.

I didn’t answer quickly because I wanted to choose carefully my words and in the mid time a quiet silence invaded the room. I say quiet even when I am very aware that silences are supposed to be like that, because it could been an awkward one.   
In that moment, we were seating in his bed as always and we were very close to the other, we both had our hands resting over the blankets and if one of had moved, our fingers would have touch. On despite that we were trying to have a casual conversation, he was trying to know if I had been with someone and for my part, I was looking information about what had happened between he and his girlfriend. We both knew the other’s intention, and because of that, it was a little silly to pretend that we not.

-I kissed someone… His name is Julian, he was in a band with me and other guys when I was younger. He is the last person with who I had something before London, and… we were drunk, in a party, playing truth or dare…. Those things happened. I mean, no, they… they don’t just… happened, I made it possible, but the situation didn’t help me. We didn’t do anything more besides kissing, and… we talked the day after that and he knows that I like you and that I don’t have any intention of getting back what he and I had in the past.-

When I finished talking his face was completely different than when I started. I didn’t understand it at first, but then I knew that I had told the words for the very first time. I had told him that I like him, and even when we kissed and we said a lot of things… I have never told him those words in the past.   
I know that is not ideal telling someone your feelings, a few seconds after the confession of a story with someone else, but it was the way that my brain found to tell him. I didn’t have the opportunity of choosing it. It just happened like that.

-You don’t owe me an explanation, Harry. I know that I told you that I didn’t want you to be with no one else, and I still want the same thing, but I am nobody to tell you with who you can or can’t share a thing. I… was thinking a lot these days and I realized that I really missed you. It wasn’t even half of a week, but I am so use to your voice, your company, your smell… the way that you laugh, the way that you look at me, how you are when we are with the other boys… I tried to watch silly videos on Youtube without you and it was impossible. I couldn’t laugh. I… I know that I sound stupid, but I like having you in my life. I enjoy you and… yeah… I like you too. And I really wish that it wasn’t this difficult to me to say it, to admit it. You probably deserve someone better than me, and you’re right, but… I don’t want you to realize how stupid am I or how many people out there are better for you…. I am selfish; I want YOU to want ME. I want… you, just you all the time.

I am probably never going to forget his words. He looked so sure while he was talking, but then a little bit lost when he finished. He looked like he wasn’t capable of knowing how I was going to react. It was so obvious for me, the way that my heart felt bigger at the beat of each word that left his mouth, how strong my feelings are each time that I am in the same room than him, everything, every little thing. All was a big and luminous sight that I was going to kiss him, to tell him a hundred times how much I waited for his voice saying that he likes me, for the feeling of having something mutual with him for the first time since we met.  
I did all those things and it was almost magical, epic. I felt like the main character of a movie, or like a verse of a love song. He made feel like that. And when he told that he was no longer in a relationship I felt like the only man that have ever won anything in the universe. And the feeling of victory it wasn’t because I feel my thing with Louis like a competition or because I see him as a trophy, it was because I felt that he was the end line. That at least in that moment, kissing him in his bed, I didn’t need anything else, that I have achieved my biggest goal. Now, I think about it and it’s not like that, I have largest and biggest list of things that I want to experienced and that I want to get with him, but that moment felt like a very sweet and happy beginning.  
We kissed, touched and felt the other until Zayn appeared in the room. He tried to apologize himself and left us the room but we didn’t accept it because we didn’t need to be with ourselves and he had all the right of being in his own room. We talked to him and played with him a football game in the computer until it was dinner time and we went to the kitchen with Liam, Sophia and Niall. Liam had cooked pizza for everyone, so we ate that and shared a good time laughing together. Then we went to our bedrooms because we needed it to sleep, and here I am writing this.  
I have to stop my words because Niall and Liam are hating me for having the lights on.  
The last thing that I want to add is that Louis and I seat next to the other in the dinner, and we were very affectionate , the boys are used to see us like that when we are in our bedrooms but we don’t use to be like that when we are with the hole group or in the middle of the kitchen. I felt really free and pleased touching him whenever I wanted or needed it do it, because it hurts a lot to have him close and not being able to do what I would like to. I love how he skin feels behind my hands and I don’t want to waste my few opportunities of having him in that way. I don’t want to waste our time anymore.  
Niall is attacking me with pillows and I am going to lose my pen at any second. Thank you again for being here for me.  
Harry.

Day thirty nine   
Dear diary:  
Louis missed his classes again because of the project. I am really happy for him because we all wanted to be selected for it and he deserves it more than anyone. I can still believe how smart he is. High school tries to teach you that the attractive, funny, cool, popular and athletic people can be at the same time nice and intelligent. But he is all those things at the same time, and it’s kind of amazing and unbelievable.  
I have known a lot of attractive and really clever guys who had to pretend their entire high school that they weren’t smart for the purpose of being accepted in a group. Teenagers can be really nasty and sometimes if you are not with the bad boys you don’t have a way to be able to walk for the hallways with your favorite clothes or raise your hand in the classroom without being a joke. It was so sad for me to watch it, because so many people works so hard for a lot of really complicated years because they need to pass their exams and it isn’t easy for them. And so many others have all the necessary things to do it, to be the best of the class, and they just decide that being cool and having the hottest girlfriend is most important.  
Louis is not like them, he would never fail on porpoise or censored himself in a class because someone else’s opinion. But at the same time all the people in our classes admire him and pay a lot of attention to him, and they all want to be him at least for a day. What they think if they know that he kissed me? They still wanted to be in his shoes if that implies me in the combo? I am not a lonely student, or the quiet one in the shadows, but I am not him either. No one wants to be me, and it’s fine, I wouldn’t like that weight on my shoulders, but I really don’t want to be the gay boyfriend that make some professors stop loving him and some people stop having him in a pedestal. I mean, that kind of people don’t worth his time but when you are used to everyone loving you, it must be difficult to be suddenly criticized or insulted.   
I don’t know if he likes boys or if he is only having this confusion over my existence in his life, but if he always felt this way but he didn’t want to see it before, his roll of the popular and friendly guy, must had played an important part for his denial. Nobody wants to disappoint their friends, fans, professor, mother, stepfather, sisters, neighbors, relatives. And even when this is the XXI century and every single person should accept that there is nothing possibly wrong related with each person identity and feelings, it’s not that easy.  
I have to wait to see him until the classes finished, once again. We met in the entrance of the college under a tree. There are always couples in that zones and it was a strange thing to have the opportunity of using the spot, but it was a nice surprise. The weather was not ideal, but at least it wasn’t raining, probably the only exception of the month. We drank coffee with milk and listened to quiet music. We both connected our headphones to his phone and we shared music because although we weren’t in a talkative mood we wanted the other’s company. When the list of songs that Spotify had suggested found its end, I showed him my photos from Holmes Chapel and then I took a few of him. He never left me take him pictures because according to him he is not photogenic, but that is a lie because he is stunning in every single angle, every different filter and in all the scenarios. I’d love to have in my camera memories of him doing all kind of daily thing. I am not a creep or a stalker so I would never picture him having a nap, leaving the bathroom after a shower, staring at the sunset, dancing drunk in the middle on the dancefloor or just reading a book in the middle of a class, but… my eyes are never going to forget those images. How the light arrives in his hair, the way that his eyes have to shine at every part of the day, how they are sometimes blue and others green, how his accent takes all his face every time that he says something mean or how his eyelashes move themselves every time that he simply blinks.  
When we finished with the pictures, we were feeling with more enthusiasm for a conversation, so we talked about a lot of things. He shared with me the details of the project, he complains about some attitudes that Sophia has, he asked a lot of things about my family and my friends and how they have been in the weekend, and he explained me how he had broken up with his girlfriend. It was a nice and normal talk, we were very comfortable with the company that we were having and it was easy for us to find different points for the conversation. We can talk about almost anything and it’s a beautiful feeling because not all people can make you feel like that and not all people can feel that way with you. It’s something that we both shared and it’s probably the thing that I like the most about us.  
When it was late, we entered in the building and discussed what we wanted for dinner. Finally when we could agree, I cooked for us and he went to his room because he said that he needed a shower. Now I am waiting for him to come back and eat with me in one of the balconies. We don’t say anything about it, but I have the feeling that we are going to sleep together in my room. I don’t know why, but it was something in the air all the time that we spent together that insinuated that. I hope not to be wrong because I really enjoy sleeping with him and I don’t sleep well when I am alone, although Niall and Liam are always near in their beds.  
I’ll write you tomorrow.  
Harry.

Day forty two  
Dear diary:  
I have so much to tell you, but I think that I can start saying that Louis and I slept together the other day like I had predicted. We just lay there together and talked with the other boys like if it was the most normal thing ever. I mean, we have shared the bed before, but that it was something different, I don’t how to explain it, but it was certainly not the same.  
Today we woke up together again, had breakfast with Niall and Liam and then we all went to classes. Louis talked the half of them and then he had a meeting with a professor and Sophia for the project. We talked through our phones the whole day and that isn’t usual. I mean, we text each other in the classes really often, and almost every minute when we are having a meal with all the group and we can say out loud what are we thinking. But we sent like a thousand messages today. We couldn’t stop talking to the other and I wasn’t able to listen to any of my classes or finish any exercise.   
My stomach hurts all day and I eat more than usual. The pain that I was feeling, it was not for the food or something related to my alimentation at all. It was like if my heart had moved, found a new place above my abs and couldn’t stop beating really hard.   
Now I know, that what was happening to me is that I was waiting for something meaningful to happen, just that I didn’t know what was that, until Louis let me knew it.  
He invited me to a hotel to have dinner and stay all the weekend.   
I know, just a week ago I was going to Holmes Chapel, he was in relationship with some girl and I was about to kiss my former bandmate. It’s feels so weird and stupid how fast the things changes all the time between us, but we are like this, we are like always running from something or someone…. I think that we are looking to escape from our past, and no because we have regrets or secrets, we just don’t want to belong to those versions of ourselves anymore. We don’t want to know anything about that people who didn’t participate of the other’s life. We don’t want to come back to a time when we didn’t know each other, when we didn’t feel the things that now we are experiencing, when we didn’t have anyone to write about. Maybe it doesn’t have sense for you, but in this moment is all what I can think about. I just can think in Louis, in how are lives are crossed and how hard is going to be if we ever try to move away from what are we creating.  
He is sleeping in this moment, right next to me. He is completely naked but I can’t see his body because he has all the white blankets wrapped around him. His legs are touching mine everywhere and we are very close to the other, except that I am seated because I wanted to write all of this as soon as possible. I didn’t want him to fall asleep so quickly, but he couldn’t avoid it, we barely talked before his eyes closed and his breath changed.  
He is so beautiful and special, he is the definition of an angel right now and I would love to have the talent that the French painters have, because this is a piece of art and every person in the world should appreciate it.  
I don’t want to write a lot of details because I think that it’s not fair for him, he deserves to have some privacy and if someone ever read that, that person doesn’t have the right to know anything about his intimacy or about how we did what we did. On despite of that, I am going to say a few things about what happen because otherwise I am never going to be able to believe it. I’ve dreamed so many times to be with him since the first time that we met, that it’s really rare and wild the feeling of knowing that actually happened.  
I am very emotional person and I have feelings in the most random situations. I found myself analyzing a thousand of things in just one second at the most little thing each day, but I’ve never felt so many things having sex with someone. And it feels so empty to use those words (h-a-v-i-n-g-s-e-x), because we did a lot more than that. I know how having sex is, and what happened with him was a completely different experience. I won a free ride to the heaven and I had tea with God itself, it was a dream, an alternative universe, a much better world than this. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I am more than sure about it.  
There are no words that I can use to describe Louis. I should invent a whole new language to be close to a description of what we created together. We didn’t even talk about what was about to happened, we talked while it was happening because I was very aware that he had never experienced something like that before and I just wanted the best possible experience for him. I didn’t want to hurt him or scared him. I didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable, embarrassed or anything. It was so important to me that he could understand how much that meant for me and how anything that he did it was going to be just perfect for me.  
He let me touched every part of his body. He let me know every place of him and without saying a word he told me what he liked and what he didn’t. How his body reacted to everything and how his eyes changed were the best part of all. He looked stunning and pleased, and I was in the paradise itself.  
I could have stopped when he just moved his hands around my cock, he had never done it for someone that it wasn’t himself and he was worried of not being good enough at the job. He said that it wasn’t fair because he had to compete with myself, that he had to be better than me, and it was so ridiculous to hear that, because there wasn’t a way that I could have made me feel as good as he made me.  
I could have stopped when I saw him completely naked, when he asked how we were going to do it, how I wanted to do it. Everything was just too much for me, I felt like if I was going to explode at any minute, but he showed over and over again that nothing was ever going to be enough for us, for me, that I could feel even better at any second.  
I could have definitely stopped when his cock was inside my mouth. I could have done it at ten different times every minute, because with any little thing that he gave me, that he let me do, I felt how my body burned and how I was feeling and enjoying more that I deserved. But he didn’t let me stop. He promised me a hundred times that he was okay, that he wanted all of that, that he wanted me and that he was absolutely sure and on board. I still don’t even know why he wanted us to be together in that form, but I am more than glad and not complaining at all.

After all the preparation, the suggestions and ten more questions about if he was really sure about what we were about to do, we did it. He put his cock inside my body and he gave me all, the sky, the moon and the stars in just one move. I think that after all the time that had happened and all the things that we have done together for the first time, the proper sex took us barely more than ten minutes. But I am pretty sure that we broke all the records that exist about pleasure, joy, chemistry and happiness.  
I have no more words to add, even when at the same time I could write about it a whole novel, but… I am not that kind of person. When I have my first book is not going to be about porn, well… I could maybe think about it now, but it was never my plan. Louis is moving a lot and I don’t want him to wake up and see me writing because he is probably going to freak up and leave the hotel. And that is the last thing that I want to happen tonight, so I am going to turn off the lights, hug the man next to me and have the best night of sleep ever.  
Just all the love.  
Harry.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At the beggining we have a nice, happy and lovely moment, but then the paradise fight against a lot of problems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, I'm back! I have been in the south of my coutry and I didn't have internet or time to write. I am going on vacations again in three days but I'll be back two days before January ends, so..... the first week of February you are going to have a new chapter. It's a lot of time, I am sorry, but I am a slow writter I don't have enoigh imagination or words.  
> Thanks for being here. You're amazing.  
> If anyone wants to talk to me.... @notthatimportat1997 is my tumblr :)  
> Bye!

Day forty three  
Dear diary:  
-Breakfast with everyone or breakfast in the room?-  
Those were the first words that I heard this morning. They escaped from Louis’ mouth, and after enjoying them I can say that his Saturday morning voice is my new favorite sound. The problem –and there is one just because I put a lot of effort on finding it- is that I am a little jealous with my favorite things, and I am not happy when I am a fan of something that everyone likes or admires. I like to think that sometimes, I can see beauty, talent or intelligence in places that are not obvious or usual. So… even when his voice is not a public or a commercial thing, I’d like to know how many other people heard it in the past. And who were they in his life. I mean it was even something special for them or just another daily ordinary detail? I can’t stop thinking about he waking up with different people next to him all over the years and asking them their choices on breakfast. I am not sure that they have deserved the melody of his voice or the gift of his company at all, but… like probably I don’t deserve it either, I am done complaining.  
Now I am saying all these things about it, but the truth is that when I heard the question this morning, I felt a little disappointed. I don’t know what exactly I was expecting, but I had the feeling that any other person in his position, would had said something different and not that food related talk. I didn’t want him to say anything in particular, but the talk about breakfast sounded a little strange for me, too friendly, distanced from a lover good morning. Despite that, I answered him that I preferred our breakfast in bed if that was okay for him. And that was when I got it; in the precise moment that I replied him, I realized that he had chosen the best way to handle the circumstances. He was trying to make me feel comfortable, normal. Asking me about our breakfast, naked, and after a first time sex night, showed that he wasn’t feeling bad about what had happened and that he had no regrets at all. He was like choosing me again, and at the same time, proving that he had done what he had wanted to, and nothing else. It was a clever move that worked for me, and made me feel good about every little or important thing related to us.  
-I thought that you were going to choose the hotel restaurant option. You look like the kind of person that needs other people seeing us together, to feel that I am not ashamed of you or something like that. So insecure, so stupid sometimes, Styles.  
-I am that kind of person, I can’t say that I am not. But that we have to say that you don’t help me a lot either. I mean, at the beginning you only talked to me when you were drunk and after that you avoided me for centuries. When that finished, we didn’t precisely have braves or motivational talks about us. You talked about me wanting to change or fix myself and…. Then, we had all your girlfriend stuff right in front of my eyes. I am not stupid for wanting us to be together and in front of everyone. I am not insecure without fundaments.  
-I know and I am more than sorry for everything that you just mentioned. I am very aware  
of all those things, but it wasn’t easy for me. You have apparently accepted that you were kind of attracted for me so easily, so quickly… I… couldn’t. But now, I am here and I am sober, and I am more than sure that I am going to talk to you tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and… every day that you let me do it. I am not running from you anymore. I am here and I am going to still be here tomorrow if that is what you want.  
-That is what I want, Lou. That’s all that I want and you can’t possibly imagine how much I want it. It might sounds simple that my wish list had in the first place you not running from me, or you having a conversation with me every day between classes, or you seating next to me in every launch break or being my date in all Niall’s birthdays. But all those things that can be nothing for the rest of the world are everything for me.   
I could see stars in his eyes and color in his cheeks. And feel how my heart beat in my stomach at the same time that my skin became hotter. I was embarrassed because of my speech but he looked happy to hear it. It’s not easy to look someone in the eyes and tries to explain them how important they are for you and how weak they make you feel. But I had the need, the desire of doing it and he deserved to know it. I had revealed part of my love the night before with my body, but it wasn’t enough, I want to expose a little more of it with my words.  
We ate a lot of things and we drank a few glasses of orange juice as if we never have eaten before. The eggs, the bacon, the cheese, the bread, everything tasted better than ever and we had more than fun telling each other stories about our childhoods.  
Before moving to London I spent many years with the same people. I had the same friends and dates for years and I didn’t meet someone new for a while. Is a nice feeling to have him in my life because he has a lot to learn about me and I have a lot to learn about him. He doesn’t know any of my injuries, the reasons of my scars, my best holidays, my worst nightmares or my deepest secrets. It’s so easy for me to talk with him, because he is not from Holmes Chapel like everyone else in my life, he listen to the places that I describe like if they were magical and to the people that I talked about as if they were special. It’s like knowing me all over again and feeling all my memories once again. I like that. I like to see how he pays attention because everything that he does or says is important and unforgettable for me. I like to know that even if we don’t talk anymore in a few months or if we disappear from the other’s life, he is going to have a few things to remember about me. That he is going to see my face when he heard some word or see some color.  
I am never going to stop dreaming about him, I am more than sure about that. He is going to chase me in the nights even if I move on and marry someone else. And for that… I deserve to be remembered by him in the future. At least once a decade.  
When we finished our breakfast we decided to stay in bed until midday. We were lazy and we didn’t see any real need for leaving the bed and doing something productive outside. I had put some clothes on because the boy for the room service it wasn’t going to be happy with me being naked in front of him, but Louis had stayed naked all over the breakfast. Easily we transformed the quiet morning in bed in a festival. Our bodies found the way to heaven more times and in more places than what I proud to admit. We touched the other and took the place as if nothing mattered and we leave a proper mess. I have to say that I have no regrets.  
The rest of the day doesn’t need to be written in detail. We enjoyed an exquisite lunch in the hotel, we rented bicycles and ride for some beautiful parks in the city, went to the cinema and watched a romantic movie and then we came back to the hotel that it ours until tomorrow morning.   
Now Louis is smoking a cigarette in the front door and I’m writing this because we agreed that a few minutes alone would be okay.   
I think that’s all, at least for now….   
Harry.

Day forty five  
Dear diary:  
When we came back to college and I wanted to talk about the weekend with my roommates, I found out that the both of them already known everything. Louis had planned the whole thing with Zayn and Liam, and they have shared all the details with Sophia and Niall. And not only that, when we separated for a few minutes and I wrote here the last events, he called Zayn and like everyone was in the other side of the screen; they all got, at the same time, his version of the story. Although Louis’ narrative was very similar to mine, Niall was glad to hear my perspective and I am more than thankful because it wasn’t fair that Louis could talk to them and discussed every part of the conversations and the acts and not me.   
Everybody was very happy about us, and when we seat together I had the feeling that everyone was looking at us and approving what they were seeing. We draw cute things and wrote song’s parts in our books, but a part of that, we did a very good job and were able to function as students. We took notes, pay attention, ask and answer questions and finish in time the activities. I think that we even work better together and for that I wrote in his book “dream” and in mine “team”. I know I can be very cheesy sometimes.  
We all shared a table for lunch and we laughed and gossip about out classmates as loud as usual. When the time for lunch finished, we had to say goodbye because he had a meeting for the project and we did it with a little and soft kiss. It was something simple, even mundane, but it felt so good, so perfect. I could be nothing but happy the rest of the day because we have made a beautiful job. He has promised me that he wouldn’t run after the sex and the deep romantic talks and he didn’t. I can’t ask for more. I am complete.  
I think that I am going to write tomorrow because I don’t have nothing more to tell you.  
Harry.

Day sixty six  
Dear diary:  
I found out today that Liam is a musician, a very talented one. I would have loved to discover it in a different way and for the right reasons, but I least, I can say that I did it. He is very upset and doesn’t want to talk to anyone. I earned a conversation, and because of that I know what is wrong with him, but now he is probably never going to open his mouth again. He doesn’t want to see Sophia, so basically he never leaves the room and is all the time playing his guitar, composing sad songs.  
Do you remember the Sophia and Louis’ project? Well, they didn’t tell us everything about it. Actually they forgot the most important part.  
I haven’t talk to Louis about it yet so I have messy and confused feelings, but I am pretty sure that after the conversation I’m going to be inside my bed, mute and blue, just like Liam.  
The fucking clever idiots sent their project to a college in Amsterdam, and obviously every person that read it, loved it. That have always been the main porpoise of doing it, but they didn’t considered that detail important enough and they hide it from us. They won some lame scholarship and they have the opportunity of going to the best college in Amsterdam for six months. I am assuming that they both won because they worked together, but Sophia only talked with Liam about her. It wouldn’t make sense that only she had won it the thing and no the both of them. But like Louis and I haven’t talk yet, I’m having pointless and stupid hopes about him not accepting the offer or not being selected at all.  
I know how selfish and mean that sounds, and that I am supposed to want the best for him, but I can’t think about us being apart for such huge amount of months. And it’s not only that, if he travels to Amsterdam, he is going to fucking love it and find a way to stay there. Or he is going to come back miserable and looking anywhere opportunities to leave again and amply his horizons.   
Why his dreams have to imply being away from me? Why he doesn’t want something here? Why his biggest plan doesn’t include me? I would never choose to leave. He promised me that he wouldn’t run, just days ago… Am I nothing for him?  
Maybe when we had that conversation about the future, we weren’t just talking, maybe he was trying to tell me about the project and its end. And probably when he knew that he was going to be selected for the scholarship he planned that weekend that we shared in the hotel because he realized that we hadn’t have a lot of time. Why he didn’t say anything? Why he took my chance of knowing what I was signing?  
I need to hear his reasons, his version of the story; I want him to consider me important enough to tell me everything about Amsterdam and care about what that makes me feel.   
The next time that I write you, I’m going to be probably the saddest man in the world.   
Harry.

Day sixty seven  
Dear diary:  
In the exact moment that I talked to Louis, I realized that I didn’t need the conversation. That I was way better without her. Everything happened slow and fast, all at the same time. Every time that I am in an argument I saw it like from the outside, like if someone else was talking instead of me. I hate the feeling I never understand how some people are discussing and talking out loud all the time, I can’t handle it; it puts me in a lot of pain.  
I already know what he was going to tell me and how my reaction was going to be. But that doesn’t stop me –even when it should- and I went to his room after dinner. I think that I was hoping that something magically changed and we could avoid the inevitable.  
We couldn’t.  
He told me a lot of things. Things that right now are not important at all. He made me look like some crazy person that was overreacting. He acted like if he didn’t have the fault of every little thing that was happening. Like if he was the victim and I, some lunatic boyfriend that wanted to fight.  
I didn’t even tell you how we start to call each other boyfriends. I didn’t write in here for a couple of days because I was having such a beautiful time with him that I didn’t even have time to share it with you. We did it almost without noticing. He introduced me in a birthday as his boyfriend and that was all. We became a couple without talking about it and everyone was good with it. We were good with it. But now…. We are probably never going to say the word again. At least not to the other.   
He said that he never thought that I was going to be mad with the new. That six months were nothing and that we were going to talk a lot over the phone and I wouldn’t even notice the different. He talked about how we have six more months before the trip, and how in that time we were going to become stronger. He called me selfish, jealous and insecure and when everything finished, we said that we was really disappointed and that he couldn’t believe what have happened.  
Louis Tomlinson looked me in the eyes and said that I was the biggest disappointment of his life and that I have been a wasted of time. That he’d never built a life with someone that couldn’t t feel happy for him and that wanted to be more important that himself.   
When we kissed for the first time I wrote in this same place, that he had broken every part of me with the touch of his lips. Now I can say again that he broke every part of me, but in the worse kind of way.  
You’re not going to hear from me in a while probably because I won’t have anything to share. I am not a person anymore; I am a pile of pain. And I have no story to share.  
Harry.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things changed after the fight and we have the opportunity of read Louis' point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, I could find time to write and I am having the change of leaving you a chapter before going to my second holidays! Things change a lot in this chapter for a lot of reasons, I hope that you understand it and still like it. Thank you so so so much for being here. I really appreciate.

Day one  
Harry:  
I don’t know if you are ever going to read this, but I need to write it. I have seen your diary inside your bags a couple of times, but I never wanted to ask you anything about it because it looked like something very personal for you. Unfortunately Niall told me the other day that he always sees you writing in it and that he knows that you write about your life since you moved to London. I know that I shouldn’t have that information and I’m sorry if you didn’t want me to ever know about it, but I think that it would be worse if I didn’t tell you that Niall have told me, so… now we all know what we have you know. What am I doing right now, is like my version of your journal, but not for me, for you.  
We had a fight, a really bad one and probably you are never going to forgive me and you have all the reasons for not doing it. I really love you and care about you, but I know that I am not your best option and that you deserve a better partner. I’m going to travel to Amsterdam, not only because that is what my mother wants me to do and that would help me to finish my studies earlier and be able to have a decent job and help my family with the money that they need…. I am going to do it because of you.  
I am giving you a way out. I have wanted you since the very first moment that you crossed the classroom’s door, and because I want you so badly is that I am going to become selfish and a really bad person if I don’t abandoned you right now. You are so kind, so considered and respectful. You are always doing the right thing and feeling happy for the people who are around you. You are pure, Harry, but I don’t know how to have those kinds of feelings. I don’t know how to find a way to deserve you, to be as perfect as you are.  
You made me feel a million different things. Since you appeared in my life everything has changed, and from the moment that I wake up to the moment that I fall asleep, every little daily thing is more intense, stronger, deeper.  
I didn’t understand the porpoise of the life before meeting you, but now I understand how powerful a feeling or a person can be. How huge the impact of someone in another person’s life can be. You changed me and I can’t be again the man that I was before you. I am never going to be able to move on, to forget you or stop feeling like this.  
I won’t stop loving you not even for a second, not even when we stop seeing each other or get married with someone else.  
And because of all those things, I’m writing you this. Because even when I have any intention of leaving and never kiss you again or touch your body for another second, I think that you need to understand my mind and to know that I love you. Yes, I am running. I am breaking my promise and we are not going to have a happy ending, but at least, when I leave all these words in your bedroom before saying goodbye to London, you are going to always know that you did everything right and that I fell in love with you.

 

I almost forget, this started with the words “day one” because this is the first day since the fight. I said horrible things to you, and I am sorry for that too. I don’t know how to argue without being mean. I am so fucking impulsive, you know that… I just can’t beat my tongue sometimes. I don’t think before talking, I just let the words scape from my mouth. I want you to know that I’m aware that you are the least competitive person ever, and that you are not jealous of my scholarship. I didn’t mean any of my words during the fight. I was just trying to put you away from me and I exaggerated my reaction.  
When the professors asked Sophia and I to be a part of the project, I was still trying to believe that you weren’t that important for me. When they mentioned Amsterdam, your face was the first thing that crossed my mind, but I pretend that it wasn’t and I showed myself really eager about everything. I said that it has ever been my dream and that I felt very honored. Every time that we talked, kissed or touched, I felt terrible because I couldn’t stop thinking that you need to know that maybe I was going to leave. That I wasn’t being fair… I knew that we shouldn’t took things too far because it was going to be so painful… but I couldn’t avoid it. I tried to reject you, to act like if I didn’t want to be with you. But I was weak, you made me weak and I decided to have at least a little of you.  
At the very beginning, after my first project’s meeting, I was stupid and I thought that I could hide you the trip thing until the very last day. My first plan was to be with you as if everything was okay and normal and then disappeared. I know that sounds horrible, but I was trying to avoid us the fight, the sadness. I wanted you to be angry at me, to be so upset because I had leave you that you can’t remember any good thing about me, that you can’t miss me or want me back. I want you to hate me and then move on and be happy with someone else. By the time that I went back, you would in a new, healthy, committed and meaningful relationship with some nice boy. I had hopes that maybe we could even be friends at some time in the future and never loose contact.   
But, I realized that I couldn’t do that for a lot of reasons. First of all, because Sophia was going to tell Liam everything in the very moment that the college in Amsterdam confirmed us the scholarship. It was not my business and I couldn’t tell her how to handle her relationship with my friend. And secondly because if I had a relationship with you for six months I was going to became unable to ever leave you. And even when I could perfectly live every single day of my life next to you, loving you and breathing for you… You deserve something better than just me, you deserve the world, and I hope that you can have it. I don’t want to your world. I want you to have it all.  
I choose a horrible option, I know what you are thinking. Now we have six months and they are going to be terrible. I deserved to live in this hell but you don’t, and I have to apologize again because everything that we are suffering right now, it’s my fault.   
I also know that probably, when you read this, you are going to think that we should have discussed all of this together. But I am sure that if you would have done that, you would have convinced me to stay together and then have a long distance relationship until I came back. I can hear you telling me the words, making the plans, selling me Skype, Facetime and all that crap. I know that you are going to think that we could have six incredible months together, then survive the separation and after that, be happily ever after. But that wouldn’t have work. We are not in a movie, neither in a novel. We are not fictional characters and no one is on a computer writing the scenes of our love. I am sorry, but we are not superheroes.   
You are not going to understand it, and I don’t blame you for that, but that option would have make us feel a lot of pain. Having a long distance relationship is the worst thing ever. I feel sick just evaluating it. The jealously, the insecurities, all the important events that we would have miss: our birthdays, the holidays, celebrations after important exams, Niall getting a girlfriend. In six months, when I take the plane, you are not longer to have feelings for me, you are going to be reading this and thinking how dramatic and stupid I was. But you are not going to be crying or missing me. You are not going to be used to my company or feeling empty.  
I don’t want us to be half souls that were put together for some magic. We can’t be each other’s home, each other’s ground. We can’t build that kind of relationship and then losing it. I wouldn’t survive it.  
Now that I explained you the motives for this letters the best that I could, I’m going to finish this first letter...  
I just hope that you don’t hate me forever….  
I am so sorry.  
Louis.

Day fifteen  
Harry:   
It’s been very difficult to be apart from you these two weeks. I’ve tried my best but it’s so hard to me to ignore you. We haven’t spoken since the fight, not even once, but I am thinking about you all the time.  
I only see our friends when they came to my room because I don’t want to bother you, but Liam has told me that you didn’t see them either since we fought. He is better, Sophia and he talked a lot and they decided to be together until she flies and then decide what to do when she came back. It’s pretty stupid because obviously they are going to talk to each other all the fucking and they are both going to stay faithful. I can imagine Liam telling her that he had something with another girl just for the pleasure of testing her and see if she gets jealous. I know that you already know all those things because they talk to you too, but if we were together and I wasn’t travelling to Amsterdam too we were discuss about them. I am writing this in compensation of the talks that we are wasting because I miss your voice and your opinions so much. I remember everything that you ever said to me and I feel empty every time that I realized that you are probably never going to say a word directed to me again. I ruined everything.  
I dream about you every night. Sometimes I had nightmares and others just beautiful and nice dreams. Zayn can’t sleep because I scream, move or cry so much that the noise and the movement become insupportable. But like he is the nicest roommate and best friend that I could ever ask for, he never complains and is always there waiting for me to say his name and ask for a talk. I am gonna’ need to live twice to be as good friend as he. But you already know this too.   
We never talk about our dreams when we were friends and neither when we were a couple, but I sure that you remember them. I don’t have any reason or proof, but I just like to assume that you are the kind of people who remembers their dreams. I only recall them when I am crossing a bad time in my life, so probably these ones about you are never going to stop chasing me.  
Last night I dreamed about us being thirty years old. It was like a movie or maybe a video clip because we were not ourselves, we were in some kind of alternative universe. I probably stole the idea from something that we watched together but it felt so real, so right. I was feeling like the most disappointed person in the world when it finishes and I had to wake up. I’ve been travelling all around the world with Liam and Zayn, working as journalist, learning things about cultures and sending our stories to a newspaper that had a special column for us. We made spontaneous interviews with different people in the street and we had some prepared questions about how they lived the economy, the social politics and the laws in their countries. You were a famous photographer and everyone wanted to work with you, including my bosses from the newspaper. You wanted to be independent and said that working in a newspaper were the worse for a photographer because they always had tragedies and disasters in front of their eyes instead of good events and happy people living in peace. I thought that you were an idiot and an idealistic and that you couldn’t deny how awful the world was and just photographed happy couples and peaceful teenagers. I said all those things to Liam after hearing that our bosses wanted your work.  
Ignoring that I didn’t like you at all, they sent me to seduce and convinced you to accept the job and take pictures of the people that we interviewed. Obviously in the precise moment that I saw you waiting for me in a bar in Paris, I fell for you and couldn’t even think of talking to you about work. I didn’t care about anything anymore and I just wanted to be with you, at least for that only night.   
You were looking gorgeous, more than that, perfect. Your hair was even longer and you were using a black suit with blue flowers on it. Anyone else was look ridiculous on those clothes but you were all royal and stunning. We had dinner and then you invited me to enjoy a few drinks in your apartment. My heart probably started beating faster than ever in my real body while I was picturing all of that in my head, but fortunately I didn’t wake up. We took a taxi and the whole trip was very painful for me. I wanted you right there and the wait was truly horrific because I was desperate. How unappropriated, no? Desired you on the first date? Want to have you naked on a bed right after meeting you? Well… I have to admit but it didn’t happen any slower in the real life. After seeing you I couldn’t think in my girlfriend or any another person anymore. But if we are fair, I didn’t think about her a lot after you either. I assume that I was trying to hold into something that it wasn’t meant to function.  
I shouldn’t tell you what happened next because I leave you, because I choose to stop being your lover, but in the short time that we were together you showed things that I didn’t know that existed. You made feel in ways that I couldn’t even imagine that were possible. And there’s no woman, no man that can ever make me feel as good as you did.   
When we arrived into your apartment you went to the kitchen because you’ve said me in the restaurant that you had some special wine to share with me. I wasn’t interested in the drinks so instead of waiting for you in the first room, I found your room and lay naked in your bed. I would have appreciated that attitude in the reality. I am sorry if I always showed myself scared and doubtful. You never made me feel nervous or uncomfortable, but I didn’t want you to know how much power do you had over me that I could had done anything that you would ask me to.  
The next scenes were fast and intense and they didn’t long more than one or two minutes in my head, but it was enough. In the moment that you saw me lying on your bed you smiled and took away your suit and shirt. Then you lost your pants and shoes and joined in bed with short, grey and tight boxers. You kissed me everywhere, and I just closed my eyes and touched your bag with my fingers over and over again. I was like drawing imaginary things in your skin while you were leaving actual marks in my neck, my shoulders, stomach and ankles. You always had that thing with my ankles that I had to take it to the dream. Like I was the naked one, you took care of me first. Giving me a perfect handjob while you stared at my eyes and I played with your hair. I never had the opportunity of telling you how much I enjoyed looking at you during the whole thing. It was the only thing that made me believe that everything was real, that you were real and that you were being mine.  
We were in the dark, but the windows were open, but like the wind had moved the curtains a little bit they let some light enter in the room. I could see parts of your body, more like moving shadows of different colors. When I told you that I wanted you to stop because I was feeling too much and didn’t want everything to stop so fast, you put me on top of you and let your body without any clothes on. I remember how our moans sounded and how my hands wanted to be in every part of your body. It was never enough, never as much as I required.   
I prepared you very quickly because the dream was ending and my real body was probably screaming for me to wake up and take a shower. Then, the last thing that I could see was your face when I penetrated you. How your eyes become bigger, your mouth opened and your voice sounded deeper than ever. I could almost feel the pleasure, and for a moment when I woke up, I felt how my body shakes, my throat burned and my sex hurts. A few seconds later, Zayn turn on all the lights and asked me if I had fever. 

These two weeks has been the worse that I’ve ever experienced in my entire life. I am going to visit my family in the next days because I need them a lot and maybe they are capable of make me feel a little better. You would have known them. I mean, my mum and her husband are unable to accept that I love a man, but my older sisters could have understood it and like you. I was planning to take you home with me for my birthday and introduce you as my best friend, they would love you in that way and my mum would have cooked you a thousand of cupcakes and your favorite pasta for dinner. You would have probably even talk with the idiot of her partner about football, music or something because you are so charming that even he would have liked you. Obviously you would have hated him because you have a heart of gold and he is the worse man that I have ever met, but a superficial conversation for dinner doesn’t make any harm.   
I hope that you are fine.   
Sorry again for every mistake that I have made.  
I’m always thinking about you.  
Louis.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, it's been a while, but I am back and I am done with vacations. We only have three chapters left incluiding this one, so we are very very close to the final :) Thank you for being here. Have a nice day.

Day sixty

Dear Harry:  
I know that I have no right to call you dear anymore, but I haven’t stopped caring about you, not even for a second. I don’t know how to continue dealing with our situation. I am in constantly pain.  
It has been only two months but it feels like a century for me. I don’t know how you are handling the time, but for me the days have one hundred hours, and the weeks entire years. Every day passes like in slow motion and the date for my flight seems every minute farther than the previous one.  
I don’t know how I am supposed to survive another four months of seeing you daily but not being able to actually see you. I know that I deserved every part of this, and that it’s my fair price for what I’ve chosen, but I didn’t make any progress since the moment that we fought. I have to admit that I thought that it was going to be a lot of easier than this. I couldn’t see how much power do you had over me, I couldn’t see how horrible all of this was going to be.

Every minute of my day it’s awful except from a few ones that I had at night thanks to you. Every night I enter into your photography blog, the one that you’ve made fifteen days ago, and see all your posts. I like to close my eyes before falling asleep and think in your smile every time that someone likes any of your posts or send you a nice comment. You’re becoming quite popular in the internet, and even when you do your thing for yourself and not for anyone’s recognition, I am sure that you’re glad with the other bloggers’ reactions. I have to say that it was easy to find your username because you have a particular sense of humor that I love. I’ve never had the opportunity of telling you this, but I think that you should stop being insecure about it. I have watched you whispering jokes that only Liam could hear, and how pleased you felt when he said them out loud as if they were his idea. Everyone laughed when he said them, and everyone had laughed the same if you would have been the brave one. They didn’t laugh because they liked Liam more than you, they did it because your occurrences are smart.  
You should love yourself a lot more, Harry. You are always seeing the good in everyone and talking nice about your family, your friends, your favorite artists, but you are the one that everyone has something good to say about. You’re so talented, so smart, so creative. When I met you and discovered all those things I couldn’t believe it, you are full of virtues and you don’t even know it. Your photos reflect that. You can find beauty in empty places. You can describe thousands of emotions just with one combination of colors. You can make art at any second without even trying.  
Thinking on your blog, I realized that I never read something written by you. And even when you’re writing your diary all day I’m pretty sure that you also do some poetry. Maybe I’m wrong and you’re a novelist or a writer of Greek myths, but if my memory doesn’t fails, you told me once that you would love to have a book of poetry, and then seeing it becoming the inspiration of a music maker. You are probably going to make it one day because I can feel how your words are as charming as you and how beautiful they could sound in a song.  
You are a dream trapped in a human body. You are comparable to the goodness of the stars or the king of the sun. I feel blessed just because I can say that I met you, that you were part of my life, that your eyes looked mines, and that your hands touched every part of my skin. You voice made sounds only for my ears and your body slept next to mine. I had the honor of enjoying your company. The time of my life that I spent with you is definitely my best accomplishment.  
A few minutes ago I checked your blog, and I saw the picture that you post of the park where Ian and you, used to have dates. I wonder how different everything would have been if you were still his partner. You should have never made the mistake of placing your eyes on me. You could have been so happy with him. Every time that you talked about him, I noticed that he was a nice guy and that he really cared about you. I hope that someday you can find someone like him again because you deserve to be loved.  
Even when you were using your cellphone and posting new things on your blog just minutes ago, I have the feeling that you are probably with some guy in this very exact moment. The only thing that I do every day when I am not in class, is staying in my room and talk to Zayn, but you moved on from that solitary phase- that at first we shared- and you have become a party boy. I still remember the look in your eyes when you used to see me smoking and drinking. That first time that you went to my room and looked how messy it was… you looked very uncomfortable. I don’t know what you think now about drinking and smoking, but I just hope that you weren’t partying every night because of what I did to you.  
You deserve a lot more that casual sex or stolen memories lost in the midnight. Don’t ever dare to think that my lifestyle was better than yours. Or that you were the one that had you changed and act like the other, because I was that one. You always knew how to be cleverer than me, no matter how our professors or classmates think. Having better notes doesn’t make me more intelligent. A lot of people in our class, including you, deserve the scholarship that the whole project more than me. Never have doubts about it. Please.  
I don’t want to keep writing this, I mean this one, because even when I have a lot to say and I miss having conversations with you, all my words look similar because I only have sadness and emptiness to show you.  
When you have this in your hands, I’m going to be on a plane, getting myself every second farther than you. You don’t have to do anything in response to these letters and you don’t have to put me back in your life in any way, but if any day you wake up and feel that you have find peace and consider yourself a happy human being, please be as nice as you always are, and find a way to let me know it. I think that maybe after knowing that I am going to be able to start healing.  
I hope that you are okay.  
With a lot of love.  
Louis.

 

Day one hundred twenty seven   
Dear diary:  
I think that my life isn’t mine anymore. I see every action that I make as if belongs to someone else’s body and mind.  
I am a witness of my own decisions even when I don’t remember to ever have decided to do them. I feel as if I have become two different persons. I am probably getting crazy. I think something and then I do the exact opposite thing of what I have thought. I must fail so bad being me, that now my spirit is trying really hard to win for the first time, acting like someone that it’s everything but Harry Styles.  
I am consequence of my pain. A collateral effect of what Louis has done to me. I was broken and now I am trying to revive. I am a hypocrite, but at least I am feeling better. And those are words that I thought that I was never going to be able to say again. The idea of being actually fine is more a fantasy than an actual goal, but I am making my way to that end of the fucking rainbow.  
I isolated myself and cried in my room for the first three weeks. I ate almost anything, I drank two glasses of water every day and I didn’t hear what my friends every day tried to say me. I had conversations, I answered, I breathed, but I wasn’t really there. I was like dead. Liam was the only one that I really cared because I thought that he was the only one capable of understanding my pain, but in the exact moment that he recovered his relationship with Sophia, he became as invisible for me as any other human.  
When the last day of the third week ended, I decided to change my strategy because it wasn’t leading me to anyway. I told Liam, Zayn and Niall that I was feeling much better and that my grief was over. I ate in front of them for a few days in a row, I assisted to their teas and their sleep overs, I participated again in every class, and after that they started to see me as a normal and safe human again. I know that they are not idiots and that they notice that I am pretending, but they prefer this version of me and not the crying alone in the room one, so they just let me be.  
After a few days of returning to my routine, I realized that I needed a lot more than just the college life. I needed to expand my horizons and know new people, so I went out to the world. I wasn’t interested on really knowing anyone or getting attached to anyone new, but I just wanted new voices. I never was a popular boy, never the center of the attention and I always like to think before talking. But I decided that all of that was a waste of time, and that with that attitude I have made nothing but a broken heart and a crush with some stupid selfish straight boy. So I am now a new Harry Styles. Or at least that is what people can see when they met in some bar at night.  
It’s really hard to be pretending all day, so I had to improve my method. After a few days I have to find a break for all the fakeness. And what the break gave me is a routine in which I am pretty normal at college with my true friends, I am truly nostalgic and sensitive in the afternoon, taking pictures and running a blog and then I am the wildest that I can be at night. It’s pretty exhausting, but it’s easier than the sadness that is all over my heart. Living in that way, I almost don’t have time to think about Louis… Except for the moments when I am, in deed, thinking about him, that are mostly every moment that I spend conscious.  
The whole situation is so pathetic. He probably doesn’t even remember my name when I am building a new fresh person to be able to someday move on. Love it’s just unfair. He is the most unfair human ever. And I am just an idiot who loves him with all his heart.  
I was avoiding this diary thing because belongs to the old Harry, but Liam and Niall asked me to sleep in my bedroom, for at least one night so I am bored as hell and I found you behind my pillow. I barely remember the other’s rooms that were half mines for one night these last weeks, but I can tell you about the yesterday’s one, I even remember the guy name.  
My last night partner’s name was Paul. He is a drama professor and a cheater. I don’t remember much more about his personal life. We met in a bar, but we have first talked for days through the internet. It’s fair to say that he is one of the few guys that I’ve met that looks just like his photographs shows. He is more than just handsome and hot, his body is perfect and cliché, his hair shines and his skin is clearer than the sky. I liked his voice too and how he was in bed, he didn’t ask me for anything uncomfortable and he did not expect me to be a porn star. Don’t get me wrong, we had great sex, but it was simple, basic. Someone on top and someone behinds that one. Just the old school, nothing like a teenage fantasy. I like that kind of sex too but I wasn’t on the mood of anything extraordinary and I appreciated that he could give me that.  
I don’t like to talk to the guys that I sleep with, about my life, my childhood or my college. I want to have my privacy and they don’t deserve to know any of my secrets because they are nothing more than strangers that I want in a bed, but this one- for no particularly reason-, earned a little of my true self. In the bar he told me a lot of things about his boyfriend and how they had an open relationship. I have no way of finding out if that is real or if he just told me that because he didn’t want to feel guilty, but he sounded pretty honest. I called him a cheater, not because of his open relationship, but yes because of his past. He told me about every person but he have ever date and how he always thinks that he is in love and that his current partner is the last one, but how at some point, he has always ending cheating. He has a problem with that, and because of that, now he only has open relationships. Maybe someday he’ll find worthy love and stay faithful.  
I felt a lot of things being with him, but at the same time, I felt nothing at all. I felt pleasure, I felt joy, I felt the temperature of my body and the thirst of my mind, but nothing more, nothing cheesy. In the precise moment that the act finished I wanted to cry. Every night the same pathetic thing happened to me, and they don’t even notice it. I mean, they don’t have to, I am just a body for them, a man in a bar, a boy in their bed, but I am secretly always hoping that one of them ask what is wrong me and if I want a hug.  
I could talk to any of the boys about that and I could even ask my sister or Emma to visit me at least for a weekend. But I don’t want to show them my sadness and weakness. Louis is so close to me all the time, we fucking live in the same college and I don’t want him to see me crying or making a scene. And no because I want him to think that I didn’t care or that I don’t love him anymore… I don’t want that, because if he sees me crying, the only thing that I am going to want is him to care about me and comfort me. I will want his body to wrap mine, and his hands to play with my hair, and the fact that I still need him this much is killing me. I should be mad, angry, I should hate him with every party of myself. But I just can’t do that.  
Every morning I want to go to his room and say good morning to him. I want to ask him about his day, I want to know if he had a nightmare the night before. If he needs anything. I want to give him the best, to help him with whatever he needs for the trip. I can’t remember the bad things, all the horrible words that he said to me, I just think about how great he made me feel. About how much I loved him and how complete I was in his arms.  
I miss him. That’s all what I really do. Every time that I have sex, I just miss him more. Every time that I go to bed alone, that I watch our favorites videos, that I listen to his most loved songs. Every little thing that I do, I do it for him, for the memory of our love. And the worse of all, is that I am not sure anymore if I can call it “our” or if it was just mine. I don’t know if I was the only one in love and he only played with me the whole time.  
I mean, it was mutual? He ever loved me? If he did… Why did he leave me? Why did he choose six months so close to me but so so so far at the same time? Why did he accept Amsterdam?  
I don’t have answers. You don’t have answers. I am never going to have any.  
It’s frustrating and pointless.  
I am wordness right now and really exhausted, so I am just going to try to sleep.  
I am probably going to write on you again soon, but I am not making a promise.  
I am sorry for all this weakness.  
I am sorry for all of this.  
I am disappointment.  
Harry.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We have new memories of the boyfriends in Harry's diary. A little of sex and a lovely talk. Then we have Louis' last letter and a final goodbye...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, how are you?? Happy Valentine's day!! I am sorry if it took me some day to update! I finished this chapter just minutes ago! The next one is going to be the last so prepare yourself! Thank you for being here and read all this and a special thank you for the two anon that I've in tumblr. It's nice to know that someone read this and enjoy it!!

Day one hundred fifty six  
Dear diary:   
I am feeling better. It was a hard process, but I can say that I’ve improved. Three months has passed and three moths still left. I miss Louis, I really do, but now I can think about him without feeling sadness. I can remember the good things that we shared and how good he made me feel. Every time that I see him in classes or around the college, I want to talk to him, but I know that I can’t do that. He has always made the decisions in our relationship and he has to do the first move if he wants to talk to me.  
I still can’t decide what everything meant for him. The last conversation that we had it’s not important because we were both mad and we said things that we didn’t mean. I don’t think that he hates me because he doesn’t have a reason to do that, but I would love to know if he thinks that his life was better when he had me. I know that it’s a selfish thought and that makes me look as a boy who loves himself, but I don’t love me, or at least I don’t love me more than what I love him. I just think that we worked together, that we changed our lives for the better being together and that he should have nice memories of me.   
He was unhappy when we met. He didn’t like his girlfriend, he didn’t enjoy his friends and he was feeling bad all the time about his family. The last days that we spent together he was stronger and I hope that he can appreciate all that he has. His friends are amazing and love him, his family even when is problematic, is there when he needs them. And the entire Amsterdam thing is really cool, even when it means that he is going to be apart from me. He is smart and friendly and because of that he won that scholarship. He could win the whole world just with his charm.  
We enjoyed only three weeks being a couple, since the first time that we made love, but I remember specially one of those days. Three days before the fight, it was Liam’s birthday and we made a surprise party for him. The best friend of Sophia lives in a big apartment near the college and she let us do the thing there. Louis and I organized everything and Niall and Zayn took the birthday boy to the apartment with some silly excuse. Liam was sad because he thought that nobody except from Sophia had remembered his day. The look in his face when we all screamed surprise it was one of the cutest and happiest things that I’ve ever seen. He is a really sweet boy that had a hard time in high school and now can’t believe how many friends he could make in college. He was really thankful and it was a nice idea.  
I made homemade pizza and fried chicken for everyone because those are Liam’s favorite foods and Louis made brownies and pancakes for all the guesses. Well, at least for the guesses that were invited to the first part of the party which only included the people closer to Liam. Everyone was surprise with ours cooking skills, but it was not that surprising; people think that we shouldn’t know how to cook only because we are men.   
I had a lot of fun doing the preparative because Louis is really bossy and want to have all under control. I didn’t listen to him and did everything in my way and that made him really mad but in a cute way. We had something like our first argue and I had a smile during the whole time that made him even madder. I couldn’t stop thinking how great we were as a team and how many scenes like that we could have if we moved on together. It’s seems now, very strange to think on having a chance in the future.  
-Why are you smiling? You fucking idiot. We are having a fight, not telling freaking jokes- He asked me after putting the brownies in the oven.  
-I am not smiling. You’re being delusional- I answered still smiling and raising one of my eyebrows.  
-Am I being what?-He said very offended and with his hands over his hips.   
-Lou, don’t be mad. I was playing with you. You are right, your way is better than me and you’re the best at everything. I just can’t win when I am playing with you.  
My words changed the conversation because he stopped looking hurt and started looking really sad because of my words. It wasn’t my intention, I didn’t want to be dramatic at all, I just wanted to be okay again. My words weren’t supposed to be an accusation.  
-That wasn’t my point. I don’t want you to say that kind of things. I am not better than you or more important. I just wanted you to admit that your pizza was well but your advices related with sweet things sucks. I know that you enjoy saying that you used to work on a bakery, but I don’t believe that if I am honest.  
-You don’t believe me? - I asked pretending to be annoyed.  
-I…This is taking us to nowhere, please stop this, I am sorry.  
-I am not the one who has to stop this. You started this and now you except me to finish it.  
-You’re right, I am a fool. I have fun playing with you and then I don’t know how to stop it. I’m sorry; I don’t want to make you feel bad. Please keep doing these birthday things and talk about something else.  
We didn’t talk for a while. We came back to our activities and just worked in silence. I wasn’t offended but I thought that he needed some space. When all the food was ready, we still had one hour before people starting to come.  
-I think that I am going to the college and then arrive with the rest of the people- He informed me still looking sad while he was washing his hands.  
-Why are you going to come back there? It’s pointless, Lou. I don’t want you to leave. I can go if you want to, if you want to be alone for a while.  
-No, I don’t want that.  
-What do you want? I can give you whatever you ask, just please stop looking me with those sad eyes.  
-Anything that I asked? - He asked me with a face full of light and the beginning of a smile.  
-Anything- I answered giving him a big smile and getting closer to his body.  
He didn’t ask me anything with his voice, but he did ask me a lot with his facial expressions and body language, so I didn’t have another option that just gave him everything.  
I put my hands around his body and I could feel how my heart started to beat faster and faster. It was stupid because we have kissed hundreds of times in the past, but not a single one that day, so each time felt like the first for me. That is how in love I was with him, and how special everything was before we ruined it. I put my lips over his, with my eyes closed and we stayed there for a few seconds, just touching our lips, tasting the feeling. After a few frozen moments, I opened my mouth and our lips started to move, every second faster and faster. His tongue touched every inch of my lips and then entered in my mouth; quickly my own tongue found its way and played with its partner. His hands were to my hair, berry themselves in it, losing their fingers in my curls and moving in there, like trying to draw lines inside a maze.  
-The table- I whispered in his ear, finishing the kiss and looking for some air.  
-The table. - He answered with a playful look and a big smile.   
I took off my shirt and pulled away the belt of my jeans. I was wearing a green shirt and blue tight jeans and he was wearing a violet shirt with black tight jeans. We had the same pair of white all stars and matching socks, red ones with black polka dots. I remembered all those things because Zayn took a lot of pictures of us that day. Those were our last pictures together and I can’t delete them from my cellphone. We looked so happy, so amused. They make me feel better when I having a rough day, and that it’s almost every single day without him.  
I put him over the table. He was seating there and I was standing in front of him. I was afraid that the table could break if we both lay beside her, but I didn’t want to walk to the bedroom either, we didn’t have that much time to waste. I took off his shirt and we kissed for a few minutes, I wanted to move on, but at the same his kiss was too good to let it go. When we finished making up, I took away our sneakers but left the socks.   
I got down on my knees and completed the task of letting him completely naked, he barely helped me because he liked to just watch me doing the job, and I enjoy doing it for him. We were both hard and warm, but we were directing our attention to him (another thing that we both enjoyed equally). I put his cock on my mouth and wrapped it with my lips and tongue. I felt every part of it and started to move my mouth up and down with the help of one of my hands. He had his hands over the table, trying not to move his body but failing at it. His groans and moans were desperate and his eyes were closed. I wanted to ask him to look at me, but I didn’t do it because it’s the kind of thing that he had to do without my request. After a while, I put my two hands over his thighs and he moved his hips and started to do the job, penetrating my mouth, each time as faster as deeper. He opened his eyes and stared at me, with the intention of making me thirstier but at the same to make sure that I was okay.  
We did that for a few minutes until I replace my mouth with my hands and gave him a fast handjob. I stood up while doing that and started another marathon of kissing. My mouth had the taste of his cock and that made the kisses as wet as anxious that time. He got rid of my jeans and boxers and touched my dick at the same time that I played with his. I wasn’t interested on him giving me back what I’ve done, I just wanted to have him inside me, so we didn’t do that for a long time.  
I looked condoms and lube and quickly found them. He leaves the table and put himself behind mines while I become the one with the hands over the table looking to the walls. He stimulated me with his tongue and fingers and in response I moan louder than him, and asked for more. I wanted him to know how much I liked it, how good he could make me feel.  
Anything felt enough, but at the same time I was more than just content, he was doing an amazing job down there. After a couple of minutes that felt sometimes like seconds but sometimes like hours, he finished with the preparation and asked me if I was ready. I didn’t ask because it was obvious and because he knew how to be gentle and careful without me having the need of asking it.  
He asked me not to touch myself and with his hands on my shoulders he penetrated me. He stayed there for a while and then started to enter and leave over and over again, every time faster, every time deeper. He kissed my neck from time to time and moved his hands all over my chest, sometimes playing with my nipples, others getting too close to my member, tasting me, playing with my desire.   
-Are we okay?- He asked when we were close to finish, and he was not talking about my ass or his dick.  
-We…. Were…. Okay…. The whole…. Time…. Please…  
-Oh… So you were just pretending to be mad?- He asked me taking my cock with his hands. –I don’t like that attitude- he whispered inside my ear and as a responding action for my crime, he moved his hands all over my dick in a wild way, making me cum after a couple of clever and expert movements.   
I was exhausted and a little mad because I didn’t like to finish before him, but after a few more times entering and then leaving my body, he finished too, with louds and deep sounds. He abandoned my ass carefully and got down in his knees to kiss it goodbye.  
I turned back my body and kissed him as if it was our last kiss or our last time on Earth. I still wanted more, but it was not going to be possible and I knew that I had to conform myself with a few naughty kisses. He cleaned his hands that were dirty because of me and I grabbed our clothes from the floor.  
-What time is it? Can we take a shower?- I asked him.  
-We have ten minutes, but we can ask the boys to give us a few more and have time to clean the scene and put on clothes after the shower.  
-I’ll talk with Zayn, but I think that we are going to need to shower at the same time to win more time.  
-Yeah, I was thinking on the same thing and in addition to that… it’s not our house and we can’t waste that amount of water, it would be rude.  
-Yes, and it’s also bad for the environment.   
-We have no option then.  
We laughed and kissed and get ourselves into the bathroom after talking to Zayn.   
The birthday was a success. Everyone had a good time, Liam was the happiest human being in the universe and Louis and I were a happy couple. We didn’t have a lot of opportunities like that but we really enjoyed every each of them. We both got drunk, but in a funny and relaxed way. We danced with every person in the apartment and sang with our loudest voices every song. We made up a lot but we behaved and not run for quick sex in the bathroom in any moment of the night. I think that no one did it, because we were all just enjoying every second with the right company and in a special date.  
Niall, Liam, Sophia, Zayn, the owner of the apartment and the two of us slept there when everyone went home. We did some kind of pijama party putting all the mattress on the floor after cleaning a little the mess. When everyone fell asleep, we were still awake because we were too excited, so we talked for a bit.  
-We had a nice day, didn’t we?- He asked me speaking the loudest that he could.  
-Yeah, it was really funny. Your brownies were amazing, I ate like five.  
-You are just saying that because you think that is what I want to hear, Harry.  
-I am not doing that, they were really good.   
-Thank you… I want to apologize again, I made a scene, I shouldn’t have done that. I am dramatic and I overreact, it’s not fair.  
-It’s okay, we didn’t make a scene. It was something little and with not importance. Something normal, daily, you don’t have to feel bad or say sorry.  
-Daily? I should have chosen that word too. And it’s weird, don’t you think? We are a couple for just a little amount of time, but it feels like ages. I can’t remember how it was to be without you. I thought that I was fine with my girlfriend, and fine even before that, when I was alone, but it was a lie. Now is when I am truly fine, and that’s because I’m with you. You make me feel happy, you make me feel enough.  
-I feel the same. My life was pretty dark, I used to think bad and sad things all the time but now I smile every morning when I wake up, and I make plans for the future, and… I am pleased. I couldn’t ask for more, you know? You’re all what I want, what I’ve ever wanted.  
-Plans for the future?- he asked me looking me in the eyes. We were sharing a mattress and my arms were wrapping him while his head rested on my shoulder.  
-Yes… I know that it sounds stupid and cheesy… But today when we cooked together and I couldn’t stop smiling… I was imagining a lot of things. And I don’t want you to freak out or run away, but… I was thinking how cool could be if someday we could have our own house and live in there together, or… how happy I would be if we had kids and argue for the decoration of their birthdays and the colors of the bedrooms…. I can picture my entire life with you, and I never did that in the past, I never… think of someone being with me forever. I never thought that I could think that, deserve that.  
-You deserve everything. And… I’ve thought about that too, not today in the kitchen, but yes recently. We’re still young and we are in our first year of college, we still have a lot of years to come before buying a house or adopting kids, but… I want all of that too. I just want it if it’s with you.  
I kissed him nicely as a response and he put his head over my chest. I move my fingers softly over his left arm and we fell asleep in that position. I dreamed that day about our wedding and four little children carrying the rings. I can’t believe that we are not together anymore, that we haven’t talked for three months. That’s a lot of time and we just let that happened. He is too proud and I am too insecure…. We ruined everything and our mistakes have now not coming back. I think that I am not going to be able to dream that kind of things with anyone else. I am going to date other men and I probably will love again, but… it’s not going to be the same. What we had was once in a lifetime chance and we missed our train.  
Harry.

 

Day one hundred eighty two  
Dear Harry:  
I’ve officially written one hundred eighty two letters for you. We are now in the finish line. We are saying our last goodbye.  
We have survived every day of these six months, and now we are about to start a new chapter. I still love you the same. I still want the world and the entire universe just for you. And I keep every memory of us in my skin.   
I am letting you go and I have every intention of finding a new life without you. I want to give you freedom, and for that I need to stop thinking about you, stop loving you in the way that I still you, and the most important thing of all… stop needing you this much.  
Only twenty four letters are in your power right now. I’ve chosen four for every month that we have spent separated because it was a lot to read and I couldn’t ask you that much. It was a hard selection, but I have the rest of them saved. Maybe one day, I’ll have the opportunity of read you every word that sleeps there.   
I still can’t believe that we are not going to have a proper goodbye. And I am not talking about sex, but we haven’t even text the other since the fight, not once. Have you thought about that? Who does that? Who? We’ve broken a record that nobody wanted to break. We have become ourselves in the only couple in the world that didn’t talk after breaking up.  
You should had knocked my fucking door or called me drunk in the middle of the night at least one fucking time. I should have left you a note in your desk asking you how you were doing. We should have found the other in the bloody kitchen, at least one time and had the impulse of share a freaking last secret kiss. Why we didn’t do those things? Why our friends didn’t have to tell us to stop seeing secretly the other and to delete the other’s number? Why I have been writing you all of this for six entire months and you never even insulted me or asked me for an explanation?   
We did everything wrong including that. We owe the other a last conversation, a final hug, a kiss for goodbye. I hope that someday we could have that. For all the good things that we meant for the other… I think that we deserve it.  
I don’t want to write more than this because I have already said everything that I wanted to. It’s hard for me to finish this because it was my way out for reality for a truly long time. I used this with the intention of fulling the hole of your company, and it worked in someway. Our story was very short, but at the same very intense. We lost really fast and in the hardest way, but if I had the opportunity I would repeat everything again. I can’t think in a version of my life that doesn’t include you, and I don’t want to it either.  
I am more than thankful. The fact that you’ve read every word until these last ones means the world for me, so thank you.  
I hope that you can find happiness and joy every day of your life, and that any of this has helped you to have a better concept of me and how important our relationship was for me.  
I’ll see you in six months Harry.  
Always yours.  
Louis.


	10. Chapter 10

Mr. Tomlinson:  
All the scenes are a confused sequence in my head with not beginning and not end. Like if they were part of a movie or part of someone else’s life, I just can’t decide.  
It’s not the first time that I have this feeling, and definitely not the first one that I have it because of you. You have made me feel so many diverse things through all these years, that my head and my body are a constant mess when we are in the same place (A mess that we can describe as attractive and addicted but also problematic). I don’t know how to define it in a more specific way, but I think that we can say that it’s comparable with a painting of an untidy room made with the most beautiful combination of colors but still untidy. Or with a very nice dress that it’s ruined but still beautiful, and we can appreciate because it’s trapped inside a photograph.   
The motive of me writing you this is that I want you to know a lot of things that I just can’t say out loud. Everything about me changed since the first moment that we met. I think that we can say that my life suffered something similar to a metamorphosis and every little thing that I used to consider important, started to be small compared to you. I want you to understand how much impact your love had over me and how my world moves around you. Every day when I wake up you’re my first thought, and every night when I go to sleep you’re the last feeling that I can taste in my skin. I am so into you that I believe that maybe Zayn it’s right and I’m not a person anymore, I am a half part of what you and I have made together.  
When I talk about scenes, I am talking about the whole mess that our story is… Or used to be…. And I am writing in past not because we don’t longer have a story to be told, instead of that because everything now seems to be in the right place at the right moment, not messy or confuse, not dark or shady. And it’s definitely the first time that we can say that.  
We are for the first time… safe, Lou .And I want to celebrate that with you.   
If I try to meditate about it now, all the years that we spent separate seems very distant from what our present looks like. Every scene of my life since the moment that I found your letters and you went to Amsterdam until we found each other again, it’s locked in some place inside my mind that I don’t want to find. It didn’t happen to me, it didn’t happen to you. We are now a different version of ourselves of our relationship. We have reinvented ourselves, we improved the concept of love and it’s sounds impossible to think that you left and I stayed. That you didn’t say sorry and I didn’t ask you why. That you didn’t miss the flight and I didn’t run to the airport. That we failed, that we almost lose.  
You never came back and I didn’t have an option, I had to move on, finish college, fall in love, create me a new life. I had to start over and discover a way to live without you. Everything was hard: waking up every morning, not seeing you in the classroom, not hearing your voice in the kitchen. Every night, every party, every walk, I’ve imagined you in thousands of corners just millions of times, but it wasn’t real. You were the whole time in another country, in another land, surrounded by people that weren’t me, while I was stuck in the dark, trapped in a place where you once had been and then had gone.  
When the first year since your leaving started to finish, I had to accept that you were not going to come back and that you’ve found your place in Amsterdam. Sophia came back five months before that acceptation, but I never asked her what were your reason to stay, and nobody ever told me either, because they knew how painful your name was for my ears.  
I still sometimes believe that being with you is a dream, that I’ve spent so many years wishing for you to come back and be mine again, that I’ve make up the fact that you are here now and we are living together. I mean, I know that it’s real and that everything happened just like I remember, but sometimes you’re so incredible that I can’t believe that I have you. That I actually do.  
I am writing this because I want to tell you that I love you, and even when it’s pretty obvious and I’ve said the words a thousand times, I feel that is never enough. I just want us to be okay. I am not ready to lose you again. I am not ready to lose you ever again. I had to survive once, but I couldn’t do it twice. And I know that it’s a lot of pressure for you and I don’t want you to feel stuck with me only because I need you. You’re free and you deserve to be happy. You have all the rights to leave if that means that you’re going to be better. I am not asking you to say forever with me, I’m just saying that I’m going to give you my best because I want to deserve you every single day for the rest of the years of my life.  
A day like this one, but one year ago I saw you from the window of my car. I know that you already know the story because you were there, but I want you to read my version. At first I thought that I was imagining you like I’ve done in the past, just confounding your face and body whit someone else’. Even when that time the feeling was different. My stomach and my whole body just knew that you were the real you and I couldn’t decide what to do. I was in the middle of the avenue and I couldn’t just abandon the car and yell your name, waiting for you to turn back and dramatically kiss me under the rain, so I just did nothing until you disappeared inside the crew of walking people. I called Liam and asked him if you were in London, he didn’t want to tell me and instead he gave me some speech about how many years has passed and that I’ve just broken up with other guy and why I shouldn’t be asking about you. I think that he was just trying to protect me or something because I was really sad because of my broken up, but I didn’t want to be protected, I didn’t need it. So I called Niall and he gave me what I needed it. I think that he was so happy to be able to say your name to me again, that he didn’t only gave me the address of your hotel, he gave me your mom’s number and almost your identity card number in case that you wanted to leave the country and I have to hunt you or something like that.  
It took me three fours to find courage but I finally did it. The last time that we have seen the other it had been seven years before that window car view, that’s a lot of time but nothing mattered, my heart was beating like it used to be when we were younger and reckless, and I had the need of seeing you a last time, to talk you, to fucking stare at your face for a few seconds.   
I had so many doubts. I didn’t know if you were married, if you had just come back to the country for one day, if you had forgotten about me or what. We were basically strangers again after all those years, but I needed to feel what was like to be in front of you again. I wanted you back at my life at least for a moment.  
I was in front of your room’s door for almost twenty minutes, I felt like an idiot. I didn’t know what to say and I was conscious of how ridiculous I was acting and how bad your reaction could be. I was basically stalking you and you could have freak out. Except that…. Well you didn’t do it and now I am writing you this letter. Thank you love (again) for letting enter in your hotel room that afternoon, thank you for change- my life so quickly and intensely once again. Just thank you for always saving me.  
You opened the door without asking me who I was and that was a relief because I couldn’t have said my name. The look in your face was the best thing that my eyes have ever seen. You tried to act normal but it didn’t work. You were drunk as hell and I was so excited that we just smile to each other and I think that was all. We didn’t need much, we didn’t want anything else. We had finally found what we have been wanting for seven years. We came back home just finding the other’s eyes and we fell all the weight of our love in every part of our bodies. Just like that, as strong as always, more powerful than ever.  
Everything happened so fast that I can’t properly make up the pieces. I remember the smell of the whiskey and the sound of your voice. We didn’t say much but we did a proper mess. I remember thinking how fucked up the fact that you were drunk was, but you seemed to want me just as much and I wanted you and we couldn’t be stopped, we couldn’t keep running from the other, not anymore. I still have everything in my head, every touch, every kiss, every moan. I am alone in our room, lying in the bed and I can feel your hands exploring my chest while your lips took power of mines. I can hear you whispering my name and feel how your clothes disappeared under my body. I can think in thousands of words that are able to describe how it was to have you inside, to be yours again with no regrets and not mercy, but I think that we just don’t need them.   
I would like to say that every sensation about that night is connected with the freedom, the pleasure and the delight that meant being with you again, but I also remember the fear that invaded my soul when we finished and just lay in silence in the bed. I was so afraid of you kicking me out or realizing that you just wanted a onetime thing, that being with me it wasn’t how good as you remembered and that you were disappointed. That all the experiences and all the people that have been a part of your life since the moment that you left London was way better than me and that you didn’t have a single reason to ask me to stay and wake me up in the morning. Our story started when I first saw you in the classroom, then again when we made love in that hotel that you took me for a weekend, and again in that new hotel seven years later. I hope that we don’t need another beginning, that we just can be finally enough.  
I apologized for what had happened and you looked at me for a few seconds with a neutral expression, then you just laughed and kiss my cheeks. “You don’t have to apologize for making me the happiest man in the world, Harry. You don’t have to never apologize to nothing that you ever make me because I am the only that did everything wrong and wasted our lives.” Well, that were your words but looking at us now I can tell you that you did a pretty good job and that every day you are the one that make me the happiest man in the world, with not doubts, with no hesitation.  
We talked until late in the A.M, we told the other what we have being doing with our lives, how we have finished college, what our jobs were and how were ours new favorites movies, songs, books, artists, even foods. I could have guessed all your answers and I’m sure that you could have guessed mines as well. We came back where all started, with the both of us in a bed just talking and falling in love and every little thing returned to their place, I could feel in the air how everything was just okay, perfectly fine, impregnated with love and adoration .  
We haven’t been separate since that day for more than twelve hours. We quickly move on together and do what we couldn’t for such long time. It’s wild to think how every gest, touch, decision, conversation or move together easily felt familiar, expected. We didn’t have to fight or adjust ourselves, it’s just kind of happened. We started to act as a couple just a few days after the hotel. Nobody does that after such tiny amount of time, it was more than easy to live with you, to take you to every event, to see you seating in my mother’s table talking with Gemma, to hear you singing in the shower, dancing in the car, picking your favorite bread at the bakery. It was meant to be I think, like if we have prepared ourselves every minute since the moment that we were born to complement the other. We are good at what we built every day, we are good at being together, working as partners, acting as lovers, having the time of our lives as best friends. The list is infinite, because we just perfectly fix in the scene without effort.  
Every day with you is a blessing and I just wanted to thank you for picking me, for coming back home every night, for not running anymore. There are so many things I want to do with you, so many places where I imagine you looking at the sunset, so many typical family things that I want to share with you, so many adventures that I want us to experience. Every I Love You that escapes from your mouth helps me to breathe, and every kiss that you let me give you, makes the world a more beautiful place and my life more peaceful and lovely.  
Every day at work can be a hell, every conversation with my father can means a bad new, every message in the newspaper can announce a tragedy, the world can goes down at every second that we waste, that doesn’t matter at all because at the end of the day I just know that I’ve found the porpoise for my life and that I fought really hard for it, and it’s more than worthy. You are every little thing that it’s right in this place, and I love every part of who you are, what you do, what you say. I love you from the beginning to the end.   
And even when I know that I’m probably looking at you right now, and for the look in your eyes you already know what is going to be the ending of these lines…. I have to properly say it.   
Yes, Lou, I started this calling you Mr. Tomlinson because I hope that soon when someone says that words, the both of us can turn around with a big smile and ask them what they need.  
Because I love you in ways that I thought that it was impossible to love, because I waited for you two thousand six hundred and fifty eight days, because you make me a better man and with you every little thing is just huge and special. I sure that I just feel how I love you from the sun to the moon and how I am never going to stop doing it, so….  
Louis Tomlinson…. Will you marry me?  
With all my love and expecting for an endless future together….

Harry Styles, your future spouse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, this is it. I wrote like four different versions of this chapter because I didn't know how to end it. I wanted a happy ending for them, but I couldn't decide when they were going to find it.... This started as Harry's diary and it should have finish in that form too, but after all the letter that Louis wrote for him I thought that it was fair to have him writting back for the first time. Thank you for being reading this and for dedicate a little part of your time to this fic. I hope that you had enjoyed it, and I'll see you all soon. Goodbye :)


End file.
